Following Though on Practical Plans – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 42

Over the past 3 weeks I have been walking a transition period. This entailed me moving out of where into a new place of which I had to first find, as well as unexpectedly having to change jobs of which I had to find a new job.

I found I have been experiencing allot of doubt in relation to these points with regards to “if I was making the right decision or not”

This came up in relation to the job from the perspective of wondering the entire time if I was making the right choice and or if this job is the right one for me. I also experienced thoughts within me like, “have a made the wrong decision” this thought being based on an idea that I am incapable of making a decision for myself that actually support me and that I more always fear the worst, and fear making a mistake.

This point came up in a chat today where I was asking perspective of wrist pain that I was having. – I don’t have the chat in front of me for reference right now but the point I saw within the feedback was that I was not trusting myself in the decisions I made for myself. And that I was instead in constant doubt and fear the entire time of having made the wrong decisions. I also realized that I actually did make some decisions for myself but had not accepted them, meaning I was still in resistance to them instead of accepting them and walking them to completion.

I am sure this events/experiences will serve as a reference point moving forwards for when/if I face such similar points in the future about having to make directive decisions about my life. I do also still require to walk these decisions for myself to see how the points play out with regards to what I decided to “go for”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of making decisions for myself that actually support me in establishing an effective life for myself to support the bringing forth a world of equality and an equal money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because my experience of myself within this transition period was not stable, that I was making a mistake, and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trusted my experience and back-chat in my mind instead of the practical points involved in terms of moving towards that which will bring me stability within the system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have any stability in my world ever, but am constantly existing in reactions and internal experiences of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a guilt conscious and because of this fear that I will end up manifesting my dishonesty and so always look at my life through the eyes of this guilty conscious and thus expecting that the decisions I make will always fuck up my world to show me that I am living a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a lie and instead of stopping the lie that I live as me, I justify my continued participation of myself as this lie and thus this knowing of what I am doing and who I am always come through as an innate distrust of the decisions I have made where I am always expecting the worst because I see within myself that I am not Standing as A Self Honest Human Being and so would expect the reflection of my external reality to stand equal and one as who I really am, regardless of who I present myself as, and thus this fucks with my stability within my decision making as I always expect this “real me” as “self dishonesty” to be the real core and movement point within the decisions I make, thus making the such decisions points which will lead to failures until I eventually decide to stand and no more accept myself to live a lie.

I commit myself to walk what ever needs to be walk to break my addiction to energy so that I regain the directive principle of me and stop giving it away to an addiction that tells me what to do and when to do it, and thus influences my direction and occupies my mind instead of me being the absolute directive principle of myself that decides what occupies me and how I and why I am directing myself in every moment.

I commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness, self correction to support me to become a self honest human being.

I commit myself to prove to myself that I do not require energy to be here and to enjoy myself, where in walking a step by step plan I stop my addiction to energy and thus giving my directive principle away to energy, and here in support me to stand as an example of what it means to really live and support self.

I commit myself to walking my self correction to end my addiction to energy, daily, breath by breath, sticking to the practical plan that I have laid out for myself (on paper) until I stand and am not more controlled or directed by energy within the particular energetic addiction point I am working on.

I commit myself to utilizing my fedupness with myself as motivation to walk daily, breath by breath in stopping my addiction to energy related to the point I am working on until I can see in Self Honesty that I have in fact broke the addiction.

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