Drowning In My Inner and Outer Clutter – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 34

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see no point in even trying any more to give my life direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sabotage my life and fuck it up as if this just somehow happened suddenly when the truth would be that it was me who deliberately let my life collapse as a point of self neglect because I just want to be free from my life and start over and hopefully create something that is more supportive and not such a constant drain on myself which I experience my life to be at the moment as I spend each day working for money just to sustain myself in the system always in the same spot, not actually ever getting anywhere but just sustaining myself in a life that I actually find unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my life as being unbearable and not bring this back to myself as the source of this life that I define as unbearable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind tell me what my life is where in I come to conclusions in my back-chat about what and how my life is, back-chat that I have always accepted and allowed to direct me throughout my life that is how in essence I have arrived at this point, by following and trusting my back-chat as my thoughts and conversations within myself telling me what to do and how my life should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated with myself and then project this frustration onto my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as incompatible with the system and living in the city where I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stray from life and only chase money believing that this is what I should do where in I have to use all of my will power to stand in this point and direct me to work and live in this system at a job making money and just existing as a worker in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a system of slavery and do nothing about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hurt myself because I am frustrated and just want to take this anger out on myself and further diminish myself as a way to make myself feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to give up and diminish myself because then I will not have to take responsibility for anything and can just let go and abdicate all my responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to abdicate all my self responsibility because I seem to just fuck everything up anyways no matter what I try, and I just fucking hate my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have arrived back here again at this point of hating my life.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to hate my life because I feel so powerless to do anything about it, which is a reflection of the powerlessness I feel/experience towards myself in actually changing myself and becoming anything other than who I am currently accepting and allowing myself to exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my life falls apart because I have accepted and allowed myself to define supporting and empowering myself as a failure and so take the opposite route to learning which is self torture and diminishment and punishment where I just allow my life to get fucked up as a way to “teach me a lesson” and also as a point of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself instead of standing up and taking responsibility for what is here as this life on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process of self change as a complete and total failure and thus to define my life as the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have so much disdain towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate process because I essentially hate my application within process because it is just such a fucking mess, that my world is chaos and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto anger and am not willing to let this go and actually forgive myself and within forgiving myself actually allow myself to re-design my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh within myself at this statement of me allowing me to re-design my life. I laugh as a point of still holding onto self judgement and spiting life instead of forgiving myself and letting go of my ego and actually humbling myself to stand equal to life and take responsibility for myself and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want someone to pay attention to me where I get some kind of recognition for what I am doing, instead of me simply directing myself unconditionally in the service of life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to direct myself unconditionally in the service of life where everything I do is based within the principle of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to work and not consider that to even think this thought is a luxury in itself as there are so many in this world who would die of they stopped working for the tiny wage they receive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to will myself to direct my life effectively so that it bring about change within the system and bring forth a system of equality where we can stop existing as slaves to the system we have created as our current money system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lost within this system and feel like I am drowning and not getting anywhere which cause me to question my direction in the system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to utilize writing more effectively as a tool to support me within self direction and coming to clarity as to my direction within my life where in I can utilize writing more to support me to become effective in the system so that I do not continue existing in this experience of feeling like I am drowning in the system.

I forgive myself for not realizing how when I experience myself as drowning within it all, that I just want to give up instead of pushing  through and utilizing writing as a tool to support me to come to clarity within myself and within my world so that I can develop more consistent and effective direction so as to not end up just getting lost and drown out in the system.

I commit myself to utilizing writing as a tool to develop self will and self support where I do not yet have self will and self support, but where I do have the ability to write and thus, I commit myself to utilizing writing more to support me to stabilize and direct me within my world and within myself.

I commit to stopping allowing myself to participate in self sabotaging thoughts towards something bad happening in my world so that my world just falls apart so that I do not have to live this life how I have created it any more.

I commit myself to exploring the point of self direction within this point of designing my life where in I utilize writing as a foundational tool to explore how I can direct myself from where I am standing now instead of just wishing and hoping that my car breaks down or a lose all my money or some other practical point within my world collapse so that my life as I have created it just collapse.

I forgive myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I direct myself practically that I will not in fact be able to do this effectively and I will just end up creating the same shitty life that I have already created for myself and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with  the idea that my self direction is limited to what I have already done and created for myself and that I will just re-do this and re-create the past and so what’s the point as I have already defined my self direction as pre-programmed/limited.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to working with writing more effectively daily as a point of supporting me to develop more effective and more specific self direction within myself and within my world.

 

I commit myself to utilizing writing as a tool to come to clarity within myself instead of just leaving me a mess inside me that ends up reflecting in and as my world when my world becomes a mess, equal and one to my inner reality that is a mess as I did not effectively utilize writing to support myself to “clear the temple” and actually bring some organization and order to my world so that I can work more effectively with myself and my world and direct me with more clarity and certainty within it.

I commit myself to utilizing writing more consistently as a daily point, either working it into my daily blogging or writing more so to support me to clear the clutter of the mind so that I am able to function more effectively and explore this point of consistent writing as a tool to clarify myself to myself to simply develop more effective self direction within my world so that I don’t just always end up collapsing in a mess of things all around me that are not getting effective direction.

desteni.org

eqafe.com

equalmoney.org

desteniiprocess.com

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Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs

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