A Life of Secrets – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 33

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tired of my life and just want to close my eyes and escape and disappear from my world that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to do anything about my experience of myself as hatred that keeps coming up in myself and my life to which I believe/experience myself as incapable of changing or directing as myself, seeing myself as not actually having the ability or strength to direct / stop within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that hatred is the negative polarity experience to a form of elation as the positive polarity experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within a negative light believing that I must fix or change this me as a negative experience self and in this want to and try to correct myself by moving from a negative experience to a positive experience but never being able to actually sustain any kind of positive experience in my life and always ending up in the negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like who I have become inside myself as the real me as the thoughts perceptions and judgements towards others but within this feel trapped and stuck within and as this me/self that I just want to existing as but allow hopelessness within the point of being able to do anything to actually change this me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as me, which is absolutely not the the self/me that I present to the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of the self that is actually me as that which goes on inside me and that which I accept and allow to in fact be me as the actual thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgements, and perceptions and pictures that goes on as my inner reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go to my art show because I just want to close the door and not do anything at all, which I realize is not supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have formed a relationship with my mind that I believe I need and so instead of forming relationships with actual real people I just close myself off and isolate myself so that I can continue participating with and keeping in tact the relationship that I formed with my own mind which I believe I need and must have as this is apparently “who I am”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the relationship I have formed with my own mind in isolation as self talk as “who I am”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself two want communication with others but am not wiling to give this within the principle of give what you would like to receive, and so just end up waiting for someone to approach me instead of me actually ever reaching out as that which I would like others to do to me.

I forgive myself for failing to realize that if I do not accept and allow myself to extend my hand to others as that which I would like others to do for/to me, that I will never receive this as I am not willing to or have missed the point of actually giving this as myself as that which I would like people to do to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto secrets deep within me and carry this weight around with me in my life that is crushing and weighing heavy on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my life here is where I am is a lost cause and just want to escape it, believing there is nothing that can be done to fix it as I always just fuck things up just as I have already fucked up and thus see my life here as a lost cause as doomed do to me and who I am. And that I will never be able to amount to anything more than who I am now as the fuck up that I have created as my life as failure and disappointment that will surely just be my future also.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing everything around me to influence me and determine the experience of me and my life and within myself taking the position that I am powerless to actually direct myself and my life effectively and actually change anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have based my participation with desteni on energy and how I experienced myself in relation to desteni and allow this to dictate my participation with desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to just stop my life here in Calgary and do something else in hopes of starting anew life where things would be different and I would actually enjoy myself instead of exist as I am currently existing from which I am wanting to get away from, free myself from, where in I believe with a new life I will be somehow better and different magically which I so long for, but have separated from myself as placing this “out there” in some new life, seeing this point of actually living as self dignity and self honesty as a point that is here as myself and that I am capable of doing and so thus, I go into a point of desire of creating a new life where I am self honest, instead living this from right where I stand which I have defined as impossible as I am to fucked up to in fact live self honesty.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be decisive and certain within my decision making and direction of my life, even if it seems hopeless, pointless and I resist doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my ability to direct myself within the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always judge and measure my life either in a positive or a negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my here as myself here within the either a negative or positive or neutral energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my experience powerlessness within me to influence my in my decision making and direction of myself and my life without / meanwhile never, investigating this powerless and where it comes from within myself and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing secrets to become the creational aspect of myself instead of self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the acceptance and allowance of secrets to be the guiding principle of myself instead of Self Honesty as no more accepting and allowing secret thoughts to be something I participate in and allow to exist as the contents of me that only make me what to hide myself and thus not ever being able to stand here in openness and lightness as Self Honesty.

I forgive myself for not realizing that in by accepting and allowing myself to participate in and have secret thoughts that I have become weighed down and heavy as the very beingness of me.

I forgive myself for simply discounting Self Honesty as an actual Solution to me because of me accepting and allowing myself to define this point of Self Honesty as Impossible, and thus simply something that I am not able to practically apply as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Self Honesty to the degree where I litteraly smirk within myself when even looking at this point due to the impossiblity I have placed in actually being able to live daily self honesty.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live/walk Daily Self Honesty so that this become a consistent application in my life so that I am in fact able to actually establish self change as Consistent application of Self Honesty.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk Consistent Self Honesty as not accepting and allowing any secrets as secret thoughts within and as me instead of just utilizing Self Honesty every once and while that never bring any actual real change as I have never done this = walked self honestly within any kind of daily consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the creation of my life to be based and founded upon keeping secrets instead of absolute self honesty in every moment.

I commit myself Daily Self Honesty.

I commit myself to Daily Self Honesty as a point of consistency so to actually have any impact or actual affect on myself within and as actual self change, as I have come to realize the necessity of consistency as daily walking to have any kind of impact within ones life, and thus I commit myself to walking Daily Self Honesty so as to strengthen my resolve and develop my Self Honest Ability which at the moment is not at all effective or supportive as a tool of self support as i am simply not utilizing / applying Self Honesty within a constant and consistent daily basis.

I commit myself establishing myself as self honesty right where I stand as I realize I must be able to live as self honesty in all dimensions and lives and situations of my world, including right where I stand in this very moment and thus to project a new life for myself where I am self honesty will never stand anyways as I will always return to the point where I feel to learn how to stand in self honesty in all situations aspects of myself as life so that I am will not ever accept and allow myself to abuse myself as life in any situation or circumstance but that I will stand no matter what.

I commit myself to Self Honesty as the guiding principle of my daily life, so that I can stop accumulating secrets that accrue a burden of shame  so heavy that I become depressed under the weight of this burden that I have created and carried on myself as the secrets of me that I have accepted and allowed to exist as myself thought my very accepted and allowed participation within them as the secret thoughts I engage within, within me that i have not done anything to stop as an aspect of who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist/participate as.

I commit myself to walking Absolute Self Honesty as this is the only kind that exist where not a single secret thought pass that I allow as myself as the nature of me, and to within this correct myself from existing as the living manifestation of shame and burden and secrets that become so heavy as an aspect of me in my diaily life to to actually living Here and freeing/releasing myself from this self created hell that I have accepted and allowed myself to create as myself thought my accepted and allowed participation in secret thoughts within me that accumulate into massive shame and guilt that I must expend so much energy to hide and keep secret where I am never able to actually l just be here that I must divert my total attention to presenting myself as someone who I am not so that no one see the real me as the secrets that are me that has become me as I have not accepted and allowed myself to Utilize the Tool of Self Honesty as the guiding principle of my life but that I have placed off to the side as a nice ornament that I look at now and then but do not actually bring into my life and implement as the guiding principle of myself as a tool of self correction and self change.

I commit myself to pushing myself within Daily Self Honesty as not accepting and allowing Any Secret Thoughts within me so to transform my image and likeness from one of allowing secrets and accumulating shame to one of being here and being clear and not building up or accruing any unnecessary weight as hidden secrets that accumulate and exist within me as the contents of me that i then must carry around where ever I go.

I commit myself to starting over where I start my life over and live my life within utilizing / applying Self Honesty Consistently / Daily  as not accepting  or allowing secret thoughts,  as a tool /principle of Self Creation so that I accumulate myself into a self dignified being that is able to be here and open and clear and light insteadad of being of shame-full of secrets that I must hold and hide within me that clouds my life and makes me heavy and miserable.

I commit myself to utilizing/applying/willing/practising Self Honesty as not accepting and allowing any secret thoughts from my first breath in the morning until my last before sleep.

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