Stopping Hope and Starting Here – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 27

I started a new job today with a new company. It was a bit nervous going in because there is a variety of points/relationships that have to be aligned in order for the point to work so today was my first day basically trying it out and see what happens.

One point I noticed I had resistance to is the vulgarity or hardness of the approach to working the job. For instance there was an aspect of my last job that was much more “easy going” that I found worked well with me, where this new job seems much more regimented.

I find these points are mostly in relation to the people I am working with and often the people I work with are made up of years of experiences and conditioning/programming over time.

My impression of the boss was decent. I did not experience much resistance towards him. So that was a cool. That was one point of how I approached this task of finding a new job was to base the point of “natural comfortability” that I did not have to force in any way. Though sometimes you have to actually spend time with a being to get to know them and see what it is like to work with them daily, but I was satisfied with the initial communication as it was not forced but more flowed naturally. I also see the point of me actually being able to fake this natural communication where in I become a personality and the conversation flows but is more like an “act” of naturalness instead of actually experiencing myself as comfortable in my human physical body.

There was one guy who I drove to job site with that I went into total resistance towards. In this an experience of disheartment came up within me as I saw/thought this to be a point that indicated that “this job is not going to work out”

I obviously would like the job to work out effectively but this point of resistance towards this being was quite allot. My body went into complete discomfort and my upper back in the centre towards my neck went into pain.

This particular being in essence started cursing and swearing at the first driver we encountered on the road. And continued to blame the drivers around him and swear at them and become very easily aggravated at points that were quite small, or rather non-existent.

I am getting a headache now even looking at this point.

I am also pretty sure that this being mentioned that they were an alcoholic. So I basically did not at all feel comfortable around this being and really wanted nothing to do with them, I just wanted out of that truck.

So I experience this point of it being disheartening because I was really hoping this job would work out.

One way I am looking at/ seeing this point is that I will just have to “deal with it” and walk through the physical resistance I have towards working with this being – It is interesting the extent of the resistance I experienced in only spending 2 hours with this being, let alone working an entire day or the entire summer with this person, so there is a definite, drop within myself towards this point.

There is also the point of me just standing at this point and not budging and not accepting and allowing this point to influence me within who I am. A fear actually came up within me along with disappointment as I feared this persons anger would rub off on me and I would become “hardened” and bitter and mean towards others. I really do not want this to happen. I was hoping that the people I was going to work with would be kind and caring and understanding and intelligent, as in having effective common sense to direct themselves in practicality.

Lololol – Obviously this hope is not what is actually here as this planet and so the question comes up here:

Is this the best I can do

Should I “stick it out”

Am I running from not wanting to face myself by wanting to go find another job where the individuals are more effective and educated.

I see here now I fear I also have of this job actually “lowering my effectiveness and education level where I will actually diminish in my expression of self effectiveness instead of become stronger.

Does “sticking it out” mean – just taking abuse.

I fear standing up and not accepting such behaviour from a being.

I would not hire a being

So on the one hand I want to actually give it a chance instead of just working for 2 hours – On the other hand, based on my reaction to that particular being and some of the points that I have observed in my limited time there – I want to just go find something else and keep looking for jobs to see if I can find something that would be more of a fit.

I remember my first day of ice hockey – I got onto the ice for the first time and as we waited for everyone to come out on the ice we all just skated in circles. It was sooooo hard…and all we were doing was skating around in circles to just get warmed up. I wanted to quit right then and there, I thought I was going to die I was so exhausted. I just wanted to quit….”This is NOT what I signed up for!”

I didn’t quite and played hockey for the next 10 years and really quite enjoyed the experience of doing so.

But I have also been in situations where I ignored my physical resistance I was experiencing and just stated to myself “I can handle it” and I just kept telling myself that until I simply could not take it any longer as the resistance only grew and grew and never subsided like I was thinking it would.

I have this desire to just start my own business and find work on my own doing various landscape jobs but I fear taking that plunge and actually walking that point. I know I can learn allot from working with other companies for now seeing as how I only have worked 1 season in landscaping. So having my own company may not be for some years, or it could possibly be much sooner.

For now I will show up to work for this job I am currently hired at and give it some time to see what emerge.

Portion 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the experience of feeling depressed where my experience of me becomes depressed as a kind of disappointment and feeling hopeless and think about wanting to just give up and give into the mind and go and hide in my mind by just not applying myself effectively in my day because “who cares” “my life sucks” “this is so difficult” “This is not working out the way I wanted” instead of remaining here in and as breath and to walk through such experiences by not participating with them and to within this re-program and re-sequence myself to stand within and as consistency of practical self direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with any emotional experience within myself of or related to depression, disappointment or hopelessness so as to no more accept and allow myself to exist as such experiences of myself but to rather re-program myself by re-patterning/ re-sequencing myself to instead of going into these past patters of participating and existing in such experiences, remain stable and here in where I apply myself in practical common sense as a point of self support and self direction to re-program myself to become stable and effective within my world and in my process of self transformation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear diminishing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/believe that my new job site will diminish me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully stand within the realization that only I am able to diminish me and to fear/believe that something outside of myself like my job environment can diminish me and make me less is indicating a point where I have not seen and take self responsibility for myself yet on my way to establishing me as absolute self responsibility for myself in all ways.

I forgive myself for myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must “fit in” at my new job and so stand back and suppress myself and not ever really express who I really am and what I stand for because I don’t want to stand out and be out of place and not fit in and make others comfortable and thus not have the job position work out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up as who I really am because I feel I will not understood or fit in and end up not getting hired for the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the status quo that has been put in place by others and make sure that I do not step outside this line, otherwise I will be seen as odd or strange, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually speaking my mind out of fear that people will react to me and reject me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to design myself in the image and likeness of absolute gentleness and caring towards others and life and so go into resistance when I see/encounter people who are harsh and not soft and caring.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming hard and vulgar and mean instead of caring and kind and supportive and so that I fear someone else’s vulgarness or abusive behaviour to rub off on me, making me rude and inconsiderate towards other beings instead of being able to stand within my application of myself of caring towards life and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define caring as a personality that I present as specific words and tonalities that I use to communicate and interact with others instead of realizing that actual care would be to direct myself in every moment within stopping the mind and stopping the current system of abuse that we have in place in this world so that all here on earth have access to life equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as more than others who have a lower education level than me, not realizing that this perception I have accepted and allowed myself to carry as myself is not in fact care towards life at all but is based in ego and self righteousness and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself within the dark corners of this world where the dirt and grungy aspect of myself as life walk and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually stand equal to and one with all beings that I meet encounter and in this allow myself to find the strengths and inner power and ability of each one I encounter equal to and one with the inner power and ability that I would hope/want to have within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge life as my first impression instead of seeing where the potential lie.

I forgive myself for not realizing that if I judge others instead of seeing how and where they can be effective that I am in fact abusing and limiting life as how I am in my perceptions and impressions of others limiting them within a point of judgement instead of walking with every being in my environment to become effective and realize that each being that is here is equal and able to walk as self strength that in common sense would be/is equal and one in us all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as limited within my expression and what I am able to walk based on where I am currently standing and so to place everyone else within this “way of measuring” ones ability to become effective within this world as the way I have measured and designed my own measurement of my ability of self development and not consider that I may in fact be limiting myself within this and so to limiting others.

I forgive myself for not considering that the reason why I accept and allow myself to go into absolute judgement and limitations towards others and of what they are capable in within their expression because I am/have limited my own expression and capability by how I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that failure is the most likely route because this is what I have been trained to live. I have been trained in the image and likeness of failure as the patterning that I was shown and given as an example where the pattern of giving up and failure was just a normal thing within the timeline of my life and so have come to accept failure as who I have become as being normal and most likely and not consider that this is only because this is how I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself and  I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that I could have or can just as easily repattern myself within the image and likeness of effective self support.

I forgive myself for not realizing that until I walk a consistent application of self re-programming where I re-program myself to become self aware and self directive in every moment where this is done within the consideration of how to effectively support all here as one and equal to me as life, that until this is done I will always be the one that is limiting me, not something or someone outside of me.

I forgive myself for not realizing that the key to self effectiveness lies within my own hands and my own walking of my process of consistency within daily applying myself within writing and self forgiveness and self correction to transform/re-program myself into and as patterns of support that require absolute consistency in my application not only daily but in every moment, breath by breath as the actual point of what I am living in every moment being programmed into and as who I am as the physical as who I am deciding myself to be and thus for and create myself as I walk breath by breath, moment by moment, day by day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to practice failing and giving up and to do this on a regular cycle during my day, even if that mean accepting and allowing myself to participate with one single thought of “I can’t do this” and in this wanting to give up, instead of practicing Consistent Self Support within the principle of what is best for all and supporting myself to align myself to the physical as the equality and oneness support instead of supporting my own self interest as in just looking out for me alone regardless, independent of, and in spite of other life.

I commit myself to practice in to and as myself self consistency starting with this process of daily writing, self forgiveness, and self correction where in consistently applying myself within this point I establish myself as self consistency which implies through learning to pro-gram myself can utilize this point of consistency to program myself to stand in the image and likeness of what is best for all life.

I commit myself to develop self will as an aspect of myself that I move as me to assist and support myself within this process of self transformation and re-patterning/programming/sequencing myself to stop existing in and as the mind as self abdicated power and re-establish myself here as awareness in every breath and thus to in self awareness direct myself in the image and likeness of life support to assist and support my growth / development / expression of/as life.

I commit myself finding a way where I no longer accept and allow myself to look/perceive other beings through a limited eye.

I commit myself to finding myself within my writing getting to a point where my words and writing become a consistently supportive point for me, instead of ending up further away from the point as when I started where words become a barrier that end up filling the space between me and the point I am looking at within myself instead of supporting me to effectively see myself and thus support me to become self aware.

I commit myself to realize that I am one and equal with all that is here so that no more ever fear or judge any aspect of what is here as life, as I realize that I am one and equal with all of life that is here and thus see the common sense in no longer accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or another as life as even to judge another or something “out there” I am always judging myself as life instead of standing equal to all of me as life and assisting and supporting myself to move and direct me into effective self development in the best way possible to ensure the most effective development to the utmost potential of that particular point’s expression of itself/myself as life.

I commit myself to learning how to support myself to always direct myself in ways which allow me to reach my utmost potential and also to within this learn how to do this for others instead of judging them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand why I or how I judge myself and how my own perception I have of myself relates to the perception of have of others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that any judgement I cast onto another I have actually already or currently am casting onto me.

I commit myself to writing daily until I find a way to become effective within my writing so that it become an effective self support tool/process/application and to also within writing daily develop this point of writing and words as a practical support point for myself in process and my daily live and self development.

I Commit myself to ensuring that I will myself to explore all viable options and ways forward when I am taking on a new point and make sure I give the necessary push of myself so that I can learn why points work or not and thus to not give up on things so quickly based on my first impressions as I have already shown myself that my first impressions are not always accurate, and thus I commit myself to putting in enough time and attention on a point where I push it make sure that I base my decision on how to best direct myself in relation to a point on actual real substantial investigation of a point.

Portion 2…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my world to just suddenly become better because I get some new job and within this not realize that I am the only point that determines my life, meaning my life will not just change on its own, it must be a self willed action by me where I walk this change each step of the way so that I can look back and see every single step I took along the way to self change and not have it as just some miracle magical happening that suddenly happen, but I can’t explain how.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that self change is a daily act of self will that I apply as myself within writing, self forgiveness and self correction and that in this process there will be no quick fixes but only self willed step by step actions and movements of self that leave a trail and are measurable in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in my own sadness instead of walking breath by breath to practically become the directive principle of myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run from my job instead of working with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose faith in myself, in my own ability to create a practically effective world for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to giving up and instead of remaining steadfast within my application of self change as standing up as self responsibility, I go into my pre-programming as addiction to depression and self hatred and self abuse, because in this I can just bring myself down like I always do and have become addicted to doing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am actually also addicted to negativity as self ridicule/judgement the same as this being that I drove into the truck with today only was not allowing myself to see how I actually have this exact same point in me where I constantly sabotage myself by inherently turning to criticizing me and building up my experience of myself as hopeless and pathetic and useless which is the point where I will then give up and quite and exist in this experience of uselessness that I created as my normal way of behaving as the relationship I have established with myself instead of following through with effective self support and developing/programming myself to be a self supportive being that actually allow myself to self improve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always stop at the gates of change where when my world meet the point where I am able to either direct myself within and as self change or stop at the gates and change and just not bother and turn around and walk away to how I usually exist, how I always exist, how I have designed mysel to exist and just do that which I have always done and lived as to program my life to the way it currently exist where I desire change but live out the same actions and same behaviour every day that has manifested everything of who I am and my life, instead of daring stick with it and direct myself and my life into and as self change through consistent application where I push through resistance as that is how I know I am physically changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself and see no hope or light at the end of the tunnel.

I forgive myself for not realizing that hope is not real, as I see now that this hope was related to instant or automatic change instead or realizing that actual substantial self change is built up and accumulated through tiny small steps one after the other after the other, and so thus the key is will myself to remain here and walking each practical point as each practical step that is here in my world to walk and to stop judging each point that I am walking claiming within me that “nothing will come of it” and going into disappointment, instead of realizing that in a way I am correct – nothing will come form just one tiny step, though that does not mean it is fruitless, it is necessary to walk every small step after small step, walking all the necessary small steps each day to eventually over/through time in doing this absolutely consistently change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up today on apartment hunting today within the belief that “there is nothing out there” and that I will just have to settle, instead of actually realizing the opportunity that is here for me to be specific within this process and direct myself in an effectively practical way in specificity where I direct myself within deliberateness within this point instead of just grasping aimlessly and taking the first thing that I catch, and thus I forgive myself for not realizing that I was accepting and allowing myself to “hope” I find a nice new place instead of walking this point thoroughly and deliberately within a point of Actual Self Direction.

I commit myself to standing and walking within my realizing that this is an important window of opportunity before me and thus to just stop hoping and rather will myself to direct myself within this point and taking into consideration all the points/aspects and stand as the directive principle of this situation and not just let the stars align themselves by themselves which they always do but instead stick to the key of becoming effective with that which is within my hands to direct – This means that there is points here in my world at this moment that I can practically direct, and so to thus take those points and ensure that I am effectively moving and giving them direction in a practical way to support me moving forward in a way that is best for all and that supports me in my process of self transformation to stand up and take absolute self responsibility for myself.

desteni.org

eqafe.com

equalmoney.org

desteniiprocess.com

Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs

Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs

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