The Fragility of Illusion – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 25

I have been facing some pretty challenging points in my life lately and am still walking through these points and from a certain perspective still right in the middle of everything unfolding. This is one of the reasons why I have defined this as a “challenging” point as there is no “set path” or “guarantee” about anything at the moment.

Some Background – Just as I was set to move out of my current place – the business where I was employed collapsed. This left me without a job, or stability (money) to move into a new place.

So at the moment I am walking the point of starting my own business and or finding another job.

At this stage I have committed myself to walking the point of starting my own company/business as this appears to be a window of opportunity before me which I have decided to pursue.

The fact that there is no certainty within this all has been taxing. My body has been in constant pain, mostly my entire back as well as one consistent headache the entire time.

So I am here walking this point and breathing as there is not really much else I can do. Obviously I’d like to “know” exactly what is going to happen but reality does not work that way.

Have not written my daily self forgiveness blogs the last 4 days. I initially crashed when this all started happening and the stability I thought actually existed in my life disappeared overnight.

I also noticed past aspects of depression re-emerging as the point of giving in and not wanting to direct myself but instead just wanting to hide from my world/reality.

I realize that this is not possible. I realize also that I can be more effective in walking this point, and one of the ways I can support myself within this is continuing with the writing of my daily self forgiveness blogs. A point which did not stand when this point came up.

There has been allot of different points moving within me during the last 4 days and it is quite fascinating in a way because I see how much instability still does exist as who I am, and at the same time this showing me what I was not allowing myself to see as who I was accepting and allowing myself to exist as still buried within me. So this event in my world is kind of like an earthquake where things of myself that I was not looking at or seeing are now coming to the surface to be faced and directed.

One of the primary points within this is money and the role money plays in ones life as ones life support. And from a certain perspective how I was still accepting and allowing myself to ignore the actual “importance” of money. “Importance” meaning the current role money is playing in this world how without it you are fucked. I realize that at this stage money is that which is required to support our very living as the most basic fundamental level. The level of the physical, our physical body, which within the current context of the system we use money to support through purchasing all the basic necessities such as food, shelter, clothing, hygiene etc. I see within myself that I mis-prioritized where I had placed money within my practical consideration of how our world is actually functioning at the moment. I realize that I was giving value to things that actually did/does not matter at all. I realize/see that my attention was not effectively directed onto the actual reality of the world we live in, where getting/giving everyone access to life should be the absolute number 1 priority of the direction and efforts of everyone here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with illusion instead of actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and limit myself as an expression of life by giving value to self interest instead of aligning myself with the physical and equality and oneness in what actually give life as the fundamental necessities that actually sustain and support life on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself to self interest instead of the interest of ALL as ensuring each one on earth is stable and able to have a life with access to that which is necessary to develop effectively as a life expression and have a dignified life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to will myself to see what actually matters in this world. What actually matters as that which is actually here, as that which will still be here when my illusion of what I think, or want to believe is here falls apart as it/this was not ever aligned with what is actually really here anyways.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as self will to destroy my illusion and my ego so that I am able to see, and stand in alignment of what is best for all, so that I actually exist as this and not just “know about it”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still “want things to work out” instead of realizing that it is irrelevant if things work out or not, what is valid is getting to the nitty gritty of self honesty to actually establish myself as real life, as I realize that anything that is not actually standing equal to and one with/as life as what is best for all and as equality and oneness is not in fact life anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify participating with the resistance to giving up my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, energy, experiences, when I know that this is what must be done for me to get back to earth, and get back to here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily abandon my process of daily writing self forgiveness and self correction, as I have anyways defined this point as a too difficult to actually do/walk consistently, and thus, within this have separated myself from my own ability to walk this point of daily writing, self forgiveness, and self correction no matter what.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to develop myself as self will through practicing and pushing myself as self will to develop myself to stand in and as consistent application “no matter what” and to thus push myself to continue my application of writing, self forgiveness and self corrections daily no matter what points emerge in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place some points as being “too tough” or “to challenging” to continue my daily application of self support through writing, self forgiveness and self correction, instead of walking what I really see and understand which these are the exact moments when it will support self the most to stand and continue applying myself in my daily process of self change to assist and support me within my process of self transformation which I realize I have abandoned when things get tougher.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistance to applying myself practically and effectively when times get tough, instead of practicing and supporting myself within developing my effectiveness in my practical application in all moments and all situations no matter how tough and no matter what the situation.

I commit myself to supporting myself to walk through this point I am currently facing within where I make time each day to apply writing, self forgiveness, and self correction with regards the points I am walking and facing so that In this I support myself to stand in self stability within my walking.

I commit myself to using my words as a guideline to walking my process of self support within my daily application of writing, self forgiveness, and self correction and self direction but also to realize that I must will myself to push through any resistance that comes up as my words will not do this for me, but is simply a supplementary tool I utilize to support Me within willing myself to change and stand in and as an expression that is best for all.

I commit myself to supporting myself to walk through point I am currently facing within and as consistency and effectiveness in an application of self support.

I commit myself standing in self honesty and directing myself in self support in relation to self honesty as that which I self honestly see as the most effective way to walk and direct me within my application of self support and to align myself with self honesty instead of ignorance and suppression where I ignore what I see as the most effective route forwards and just give up and give into my mind as emotions, feelings, experiences, resistances, energy.

I commit myself to walking my daily application of self support to that I can actually develop some self trust as self integrity that I can lean on and not have crash in beneath me.

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