Today was quite busy, meaning I was active within my movements/directions for the day. My directive in this is to practice/develop the ability to walk here as breath as the natural pace of the physical. Thus – Breath – as a guideline to support myself to walk here in self attention and thus within being “busy” I do not overextend or try to go to fast, but direct myself at a constant stable, sustainable pace. This particular point has come up since starting work(landscaping) a month or so ago where I am each day directing myself to walk/move/work at a constant pace that I can walk for the entire day and not go into energetic momentums and ups and downs within my movement/walking.
I noticed today that I was quite consumed/possessed by a particular point throughout the day where I noticed myself being constantly pre-occupied by this point. Last night I went to an appointment to look at a new place to live. It seemed cool and so this point in terms of whether I will move in there will/should be sorted in the next day or two. I was completely pre-occupied by this point today, and specifically about the point of money. Initially I did not see this point of money from the perspective of seeing how much it would come up the day after as a point that has completely pre-occupied/possessed me. This new place the rent is much higher than the place I have now which I did expect since where I am now is low for rent costs in my city. I did feel unsettled about this point from the beginning and saw this as one of the main points that “concerned me” So today I was going back and forth within myself/my mind – “Should I take the place”. “Its to expensive”. “Is it to expensive”. “what if I can’t afford it”. “What if I am out of my income range”. “Will I fit in”. “What will my roommates think of me if I am not appearing confident in being able to pay rent”. “Will they think they made a mistake in picking me”. “What if I am out of place and do not fit in”. “Is this a mistake” And so I went on and on today in my mind/back chat where this point possessed me “more than usual” meaning normally I don’t have points as “possessive” as this one today, where it pre-occupied for the entire day, thinking about whether or not I would take the place or not. The person still has to make a decision also and let me know if I will ge the place so there is this whole point as well. I also did not want to let them down or let her down where in she decides to go with me as a tenant/roommate and then it does not work out. So this is another point I fear and thus was occupied by today as I waited for the decision to be made. I have decided that I will take the place so from this perspective I can let this entire point with money go from the perspective that if I am chosen for the place, I will take it. And if not, then back to the apartment search.
So yes there is this other point within this too, which I touched upon, which is the point of “Hoping that things will work out” or “fearing that things will not work out”. So this is the point where for instance if I get chosen and then things turn out to not work out at all.
This does stem back to a previous event that took place in my life where I made a decision to walk a point and it did not work out, and so thus I see I have a point of fear within me in relation to this past point, and other past points where I made a decision where I ignored certain aspects, though did not realize I was ignoring them and thus these ignored points of course starting catching up with me and showing through more and more until it was clear that the whole situation would not work.
So this is a point as well that I am seeing within me that is contributing to part of my experience over this last day, particularly today. Its like a fear that I will overlook points and that I am not making an effective decision, and this is where the point of money also come in from the perspective that I realize I am able to convince myself that “its no big deal” or “It is practical” and thus commit to the point to only then face the real reality of the situation that “it was in fact not possible. Thus this has to do with seeing/assessing physical reality effectively, clearly, and with absolute specificity and precision so that what you see and assess is in fact what is actually here, instead of where for instance the mind comes in as thoughts and self talk and justifications creating a veil over what is actually here and thus when you look through the mind into reality you never actually see what is really here, what you see is the veil, the mask, the impression, and thus one make decisions based on this illusory reality which is a fuck up because the actual substance of what is here will always be the directive point, meaning for instance you cannot climb a tree that is not there, unfortunately we do not realize this until we are half way up the tree, and then the coming back to earth part , back to practical reality in what is actually really here, can be quite a fall back to reality, to the solid ground that has always been here but that we insisted in not aligning ourselves to/with, instead we align ourselves to our self created imaginary reality that we impose on top of the one that is really here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a horrible mistake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have made a horrible mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go along with a decision that I have made, just because I have already made it, instead of allowing myself to see all points that open up along the way as an indication of what the point I am actually walking really consist of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in my calculations, and where instead of trusting the math, I trust the feeling within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear tying myself up with restrictions and limitations and creating more stress for myself by over spending or wanting that which requires me to get more money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a decision and ending up in bad situation that I want out of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “bad decisions” are “accidents” instead of realizing that my decisions are based on my acceptances and allowances and are done in awareness, and thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize and thus stand within and as absolute self response- ability where I have the ability to see the scope of the decisions I make and thus am able to see if a decision support me or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore reality and make a decision that in reality was not in fact best for me or supportive for me within my process of supporting myself in standing up as/for life and establishing an effective life for myself to facilitate me within my process of doing this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions where I have not effectively calculated the mathematics of the point with regards to money to ensure that I am able to handle the point and in this remain stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my potential roommates will not like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my potential roommates will judge me as less than, if I am not confident and stable in paying rent from the perspective of having lots of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of desire and want with regards to the potential room I might get, instead of being here and stable and not accepting and allowing myself to go into desire or want in relation to the room but just simply walk the point practically and thus be willing to do what is necessary to find an effective place to live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid the entire point of going through the process of finding a suitable effective and practical place for me to live, and thus had/ have accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of want and desire to get this potential room I am busy with now because then this mean I can just leave this entire process of searching for a place to live behind because I now have a room and thus no more have to walk this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that must walk a long grueling road to finding an effective place.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace this point of finding a place a straight away and thus allow myself to walk the point instead of going into doubt and skepticism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search and scour my mind for reasons why this will not work, looking for a mistake that is not even there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting my potential new roommates down by them expecting me to be someone I am not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear renting the room and then finding out that I miscalculated on my math, and thus, not being able to afford the place and then ending up in a really compromising situation and/or having to move out and having the entire point not work out and just be a complete time-loop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing to something because I apparently “know” within myself that it will be big mistake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my want and desire to override my practical decision making ability where for instance I was really impressed with this place and thought it would be really cool, and thus have this desire created within myself to live at that place and to experience me living in a house that is nice like that, and thus have this desire I created within myself direct me and influence to make a decision despite it being practical or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because something seems like a cool point, that it means that it is a desire and that it must not be practical.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stabilize myself within myself, within my understanding/seeing/realization that if this place does not work out, then I will simply find another point. And thus continue directing myself to find a place that works, and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in my own desires and wants instead of remaining here within my practical reality, within what is really here as this physical reality within the realization that this real substantial physical reality is the point I am walking and that this remain always the same.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into believing that “things will change” from the perspective of something or some point saving me, instead of me realizing that it is still Me/Self that I am walking daily and working with, this point remain the same. That I am walking my process of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrections, and stopping the mind / mind energy / mind experience.
I forgive myself for not realizing that I do not need or require things to change per se from the perspective of my life and my walking as I realize that self change is walked step by step by step by step gradually within a constant and consistent application and that there will not be some magical change or solution such as for instance a new place that will change everything – Nope. I am here walking myself step by step, day by day in my process of self change. Within this, I realize that I do not require “things to change” as I am patient with myself within my walking of self change.
I forgive myself for not realizing that when I go into desire, like for instance this desire for this apartment, I am taking myself apart, separating myself from myself, from here, from the/my actual process of self change, of me walking myself into as self change and transformation as the decision/commitment I am walking, and thus do not have to rely on some external point for some kind of change as I see that Self Change and Self Transformation is a decision I make and walk for and as myself as my daily walking living breathing willing expression of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into self doubt when something works out in an effective way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have formed the idea that things never work out in an effective way, that there is always a catch, always a secret demon hiding somewhere and thus am always looking over my shoulder when things are working out, where I never actually allow myself to actually enjoy a point because I am always suspiciously looking around and waiting in fear, and doubt and disappointment that things will come crashing down, and thus am never able to enjoy myself as I am always just waiting for my apparent mistakes to catch up with where everything comes crashing down.
I commit myself to remaining Here within my process of self change and self transformation as my daily application of writing, self forgiveness, and self correction, and thus to remain here within the realization of this is exactly where I should be – Here with me, as that which is actually real, and thus there is no reason for me to go into desire, as I am here and have made the decision to walk self change and self transformation, and therefore I do not require desire, as I am simply walking this point of self change and self transformation for and as myself daily as a directive point that I walk, where I am the directive principle of me within this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give myself the impression that things are better “out there” which I experience as a desire, instead of remaining Here as myself in my walking, and not get highjacked by some desire that give a false impression of “something better”.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain stable and grounded here within myself and within my walking, where I realize, there is nothing better, and that is fine by me. I am here and walk. I am not interested in “something better” that implies I am separating myself from myself here where I go off into some desire in my mind and forget about, lose sight of what is actually real and what is actually here as the process I am walking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be dependant on desires in my life to stimulate me and motivate me for a moment, instead of realizing what is here as myself, and as actual reality, as the physical is substantial, is stable, is consistent as itself and thus does not change in an instant, and so this is where I ground myself, earth myself, in that stability of the physical, that sameness, not different various frequencies of desires and experiences shooting off inside me as fireworks and feelings and emotions and excitement, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in and as experience of self as the fireworks of feelings and emotions and pictures and fantasies going off inside me and did not remain here and grounded in actual reality as the physical.
I commit myself to Here.
I commit myself to silence where I do not require special and exciting experiences within and as myself as the fireworks of desire going off inside of me.
I commit myself to walking here as breath, as constancy as stability.
I commit myself to re-directing/re-aligning myself from my mind/internal experiences of/as thoughts, feelings, desires, emotions, fantasies, excitements, energies, ups and downs, and different variations of frequencies of experiences of mind to Here. Here that is silent, stable, the same, constant, and consistent where there is no “mind experience” or interpretation of reality, there is only reality, meaning – It does not matter what I think about something – the fact of the matter of the thing itself is what it is and does not bend to my interpretation of it, and so thus I commit myself to redirecting my focus to Here, to actual reality, to the physical and to silence, and thus out of my mind as my internal back-chat, and voices in the mind and the entire movie that is playing/going on in/as my mind all the time, and thus within this realignment, align myself with and as life as equality and oneness.
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