Today I spoke with a being who has a room for rent in the house that she is in. I found this add last night as I searched for a new place to live. I have never actually done this where I was looking for potential roommates who I have never met, to share a place with, so this is a new point for me and I have had to push myself to direct myself in this point due to the resistance of doing this because of how I have programmed myself to “avoid people” or just rather being much more comfortable alone.
This add I found last night seemed like it might work out. I felt comfortable when I read the add and it seemed like it had all the points and could “be a fit” so to speak. Except the point that one of the people in the house is a women around my age. And this is a “big” except because in the past I have had experiences where I have ignored those “excepts” and ended up in situations where I did not make the most effectively practical decision for me within the context of what would support me best in my life.
I have had experiences in the past where I was blinded by my own desire for relationship where I allowed that desire/ mind to influence me to make a decision that simply did not end up working out in the end where after the fact, I could see that I ignored some of the “first impressions” or “warning signs” that were initially there because of being completely taken over by the desire for relationship and thus allowed my desire for relationship to obstruct me from making actual practical decisions that are effective and support me within my reality.
So this point came up in applying to this add where all these thoughts/back-chat started coming up
“Andrew, what are you doing?”
“is this really a good idea?”
“there is no way this is going to work?”
At this stage I am simply going to walk through the point and assess as I walk and have some more real-time feedback, instead of making a decision based on/within my mind/thoughts/perceptions without getting real actual feedback.
This is one of the reasons I am writing about this point now is to just place it out in front of me and supporting me to see anything that might be alluding me or just to clarify for myself and open up the different aspects of this point that I am busy walking at the moment.
This girl phoned me today to discuss the apartment and I was initially nervous. After chatting for a bit I settled down, but during this entire time there is like this relationship meter within me either dailing higher or lower on a sliding scale as I walk this point and move into this point and am assessing and analysing everything. I see that with most/if not all women I meet in my world there is instantly this “relationship meter” that kicks in where the “profiling” begins where I assess the being within the context of being “relationship material” or not.
I have had some cool relationships in my past where I was really comfortable around a being, and that is a point that I see as an affective point to have in place for an agreement/relationship. I am placing this point here because this is exactly the point where I fear I will compromise myself where I will end up possessed by the “desire for relationship” and end up just going for whats here now, or just going for sex instead of being patient and deliberate and making sure that when I enter a relationship/agreement with a being that it is a point where I will be walking the rest of my life with that being and so thus not to just jump into something for the sake of doing it and end up having this point just fall as it obviously would if I am compromising myself within such a point.
I haven’t been in an agreement/relationship with anybody for over 2 years now. Whats interesting is that my desire for relationship hasn’t gotten any stronger but it also hasn’t diminished much either where I see this point of the “relationship meter” still popping up just as readily and automatically as it ever has.
I am a bit more stable as I have walked through a few experiences/events that have supported me to let go some of my desires for certain aspects/points in relationships that previously I was holding onto believing I would never give them up. So those strong holds have loosened up some, though I realize I have a long way to walk within this point so that I am not more influenced by my “desire for relationship” or that perception or relationship entity I started building up within me as my “object of desire” since childhood. Obviously this will not disappear over night.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my desire for relationship to affect my practical decision making ability where in I would “go for” my desire for relationship instead of doing what is actually best and most effective for me within the context of my practical reality where in I assist and support myself to make effective practical decisions for me to support me in establishing an effective practical stable daily life for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my “experience” to blind me where in I would go into convincing myself that the decision I am making is right for me and that I am being self honest only to find out that ooops I was actually just being dishonest and being completely influenced by my experience and allowing this to override my practical decision making ability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an experience to override my practical decision making ability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish what is actually best for me where I have made my “experience” of myself as “desire” based on self interest more important than doing what is most effective for me within my practical reality in supporting me in what is best for me and best for all.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I do have a practical experience that I can use to support me in not repeating past mistakes where I have already walked this point of allowing my desire for relationship to override my practical decision making abilities where in I ended up facing the outcome of such decisions and so thus do not have to repeat myself but can use this past experience as a guide or reference point for me to support me directing myself and making a decision that is practical and not have this overridden by desire or experience.
I commit myself to using my/this past experience within this point of where I allowed my desire for relationship to override my practical decision making ability as a reference point to support me to not repeat the past and make the same mistake again but to this time remain stable and enable myself to make an effective practical decision within the context of what is best to practically support myself and my life.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breath when the desire for relationship comes up where in I breath and not allow myself to go into that experience and influence myself within/as this point to distract me from my practical reality as I see/realize/understand that this “experience” that comes up as “desire for relationship” is an accumulation of points that I have created/designed throughout a life time that now exist as my relationship entity, where I see that this is simply a point that I must stop within and as me and no more accept and allow as myself as I see/realize and understand that this relationship entity was designed in the image and likeness of self interest and not what is best for me actually or best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this experience that comes up within myself in relation to my “desire for relationship” that I have created instead of realizing that this is simply an energetic reaction and nothing more, meaning, that it is simply a point I must walk through and while remaining here and directing myself to remain here in and as the physical until this experience of myself as “relationship entity” no more direct me or have power over me and eventually dissipate completely as I align myself into an as a point of equality and oneness with all that is here as life/existence.
So basically I see that my experience that is coming up is based on the desire for relationship and so to assist and support myself I remain here focusing on my physical reality and my physical practical application/decision making in the physical and not give attention to the mental/energetic experience of relationship entity.
I also see that I can further assist and support myself by applying specific self forgiveness on the details and intricacies of this particular relationship entity that I have created, which I am actually working on within the agreement course offered by desteni.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to compromise what will be the most effective agreement and relationship for me where I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore these points of what I know will be of effective support for me to build a lasting strong relationship/agreement like for instance comfortability and communication, where in I accept and allow myself to ignore these such aspects and just give my attention to the experience I am having as energy in relation to desire for relationship and forget about what will actually support me best, not taking into consideration that this “experience of desire” is not based in what actually support me best to establish an effective agreement that stand as a stable effective point that is aligned to equality and oneness and what is best for all.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that any agreement or relationship that is not best for me will never stand as it is in essence me lying to myself attempting to try and convince myself that something is good for me, when it is not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision or consider making a decision with regards to agreement/relationship based on energy or experience, instead of practical considerations where no energy is required for me to give direction to this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the idea that as people get older they compromise within relationships instead of standing within and as self certainty that I will not compromise me within the point of relationship and agreement as I see that I do not have to compromise myself within this point but am able to find the right point of support to build and effective agreement/relationship within this life that stand the test of time as it is based on Self Integrity and that which is actually real in terms of what is necessary to establish a real, effective relationship/agreement with another human being within and as equality and oneness and real self intimacy and mutual support.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if I compromise on any point within myself within finding/establishing an effective agreement/ relationship with another being that It will never stand as It simply will not support me and thus not support another as an agreement must be established as Equal and One Support, meaning there should be no acceptance and allowance of compromise in any way as that is a point of self limitation.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize/see/understand that lying to myself will simply be hell on earth and that I am in fact not able to lie to myself as I will know exactly what i am doing and it will destroy me and eat me up until I give up my lie and do what is actually effective and best for me so that I am able to stand here in and as myself as Silence, seeing within me no matter how far or deep I look, that I have in fact made an effective decision for myself that stand stable within me without the slightest waiver or rippling of my water of self honesty as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear compromising myself and that I won’t be strong enough to stand in the face of “desire for relationship/sex” where this desire will influence me to compromise myself where I will time-loop and just take longer before I stand and establish an agreement with a being that will walk for the rest of this life with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rush this relationship/agreement point instead of working with myself effectively on establishing my self agreement with me so that I am stable within my walking/standing here within my reality so that I am no not influenced by my “desire for relationship” but am able to be patient with myself and deliberate and take the necessary time to prepare myself and develop an effective agreement with myself and with another being.
Thus I commit myself to walking here in and as breath when ever I face this point of “desire for relationship” within this I slow everything down and stop. Within this I stand as Self Patience within the realization /understanding that I will know when an effective agreement is here, and so to not rush myself within this point or be impatient but to be here and patient with myself and take my time knowing that eventually the time will come and that this will come when I am ready, and so thus to simply work on establishing my own self effectiveness with and as my self agreement/relationship with me.
I commit myself to establishing an agreement with myself and another being that is based in mutual respect, comfortability and understanding where we are able to explore Real relationships of self honesty, communication, and self intimacy and that until this point is here, I stand, and breath and I continue to walk here as myself alone and prepare myself effectively until this point is here where I will walk alone with another being as an agreement to assist and support each other within the walking of our process as we walk side by side in effective mutual support.
I commit myself to not become swooned by first impressions or impressions that I create in my mind based on an experience of energy, but to remain focused and directive in my practical life decisions and direction.
I commit myself to sticking to the physical and focusing/directing myself towards and into my physical practical reality to assist and support myself to get real and in this along with writing, self forgiveness, and self corrections, stop giving power to the energetic entities I have created as my mind in the image and likeness of separation and self interest where I have lost touch with what is actually real, and thus allow this to override my practical decision making ability.
Thus I commit myself to practical decision making, making this my precedent directive in my life and not allowing this/my practical decision making ability to be overriden by “experiences/ my mind, where I had previously given this precedent, as thoughts, feelings, pictures, memories, emotions, back-chat, perceptions, ideas, projections etc, instead of remaining here focused on my practical physical reality and focus on directing myself here in my practical decision making ability.
I commit myself to not rushing myself and thus being patient in my walking of preparing myself effectively for life and for an agreement and finding an effective agreement partner, I see/realize/understand that when I am patient and here within and as self and walking as self patience/presence is where/when I am the most effective within my direction and decision making with everything I do because within this I allow myself to see All the points and make the most informed decision, not skipping or glazing over something in haste, but seeing all points and being stable within my direction.
I commit myself to moving slowly through this point, allowing myself as much time as necessary for an effective point to emerge as effective agreement, where daily I support myself within slowing myself down through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, where I bring myself here into/as the physical so that I am no more blinded and distracted by the mind and am thus stable within myself and able to make more effective decisions that support me within my process of transforming my relationship with/as me so that I stand equal and one to and as life within the context of what best for all and designing and living an effective life for myself within this context.