I’ve been having this experience come up in relation to drawing/art. I made a drawing yesterday and was so frustrated and irritated by it as It never really turned it into that which I would have liked it to. So from this perspective it is a form of compromise because I see myself as so much more capable within this point and yet, I am settling for subpar executions.
Today I was looking for a new place to live as I have to move out of the place where I am now, and I found it interesting that each time my mind would go towards my most recent drawing that I was working on I would get angry and frustrated over this. One reason is because I did not execute it the way I feel I could have if I were to have taken my time with it. Since I started working I have not done much art/drawing which has accumulated into a point of frustration that this point is not something I am able to do hardly at all, let alone consistently.
I still do have room to be more effective in my time management, specifically in the mornings where I could actually wake up early and give myself some time in the mornings to work on art, even if just for an hour and half or so each mornings.
So with sleeping patterns I am seeing this as one area of my life that I can still give more effective direction to which would open up another 1.5/2 hours in my schedule each day which would then go to my practical daily tasks.
I felt very impatient with myself yesterday when I started going about constructing the drawing and this in itself frustrated me because I know that when I am not here and patient when I am making art that I am never satisfied with what this produces. And so I did make the drawing but I was not comfortable within doing it and felt like I had to rush through the drawing which in the end I compromised the end product which in essence equates to actually wasting my time because I never actually communicated the point that I was working with. I see this lack of communication with the art was because I was rushing myself. I felt like I only had a small window to execute the drawing and so I compromised the finished product instead of giving it the attention, time, specificity required to communicate/execute more precisely.
So in this particular case as I find is also the case in other situations, I had what I wanted to communicate and in the end just did not bring each point within the drawing to the specificity and clarity required to properly communicate the idea I had. A frustrating aspect is that I seen the point, meaning what I was working with was clear, though my execution was sloppy and indifferent, instead of specific and directive down to the last detail which is how Id like to execute the art I work on. Thus in the end I experienced myself within the point as if I missed out, or missed out on an opportunity. This feeling/experience that I missed an opportunity was frustrating and causing a tension and stress within me which I feel/experience in my back area where I tense and clench up over this such failed/missed opportunity.
This also has to do with how I have set up days, and how I am experiencing “time” at the moment, because this “missed opportunity” was like there was only a small window open in time for me to execute this drawing which in itself caused me to rush the point and end up fucking then entire thing up and in a way requiring to start again from the beginning so the very point of rushing and hasting just ends up with me having to begin again from the beginning.
I realize with everything, I am the solution to this point, so I must look at how I can walk/live/be the solution to this point I am facing as this anger/irritation/frustration that has been coming up lately within and as me in relation to my artwork.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often take an extra 2 hours to sleep in the morning instead of getting up earlier and in this opening up an extra 2 hours for myself each day where I would be able to establish a point which I do consistently during that time daily, such as for instance Art or Drawing where I could in fact do this point in the mornings each day which would eliminate this experience I am having of feeling rushed or like I don’t have enough time to do art because I am not making the time in my schedule to do this point consistently on a daily or every other day basis where in I establish this point as a part of my life by committing and dedicating time each day to do this and thus not experience this point of “not having time” or “needing to rush this point” because I would have established this as a daily point and thus, know I could take my time with this and do what is necessary and required to effectively execute and communicate in specificity and precision to the exact detail.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that daily consistent application is important in any point that one wants to establish as self and make a part of self’s life.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the absolute necessity of Consistency as a Daily Application and thus have accepted and allowed myself to go into points of desire and wanting instead of implementing a Consistent application of anything that I am making a part of my world so that I am in fact able to establish it as an effective point that eventually produce fruit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea of committing to a “Daily” application of anything and within this not realize that this is in fact how one become effective within self and within points and also within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as “Less Than” in relation to consistency of and as a daily application of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the whole idea of a “daily application” because of fearing that I am not capable or able to walk consistency within and as myself as a daily application, and so thus am actually fearing failure which is triggered when looking at the point of applying myself within anything on a daily basis.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that to take responsibility for myself that this implies that I must apply myself daily within my application to re-train myself become self directive and thus to do this effectively I must do this daily.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the simplicity of daily application
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the simplicity of daily application where this is a necessary process by which one implement a point into and as self and selfs world through by applying oneself consistently within the context of a Daily Application.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that Consistently means Daily, and that One must Apply oneself within the context of Daily within any point one is doing to actually implement/establish that point as part of ones self/world.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever live/walk/stand as a being that apply oneself daily within and as consistency within self support to become effective within my application of me and assist and support myself to transform myself into a being that honour life to the utmost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, as “one who falls and fails and gives up” and in this not allow myself dare to take on a daily application of anything as I have accepted and allowed that the same outcome will come forth which is me just giving in and not being able stand within my application within consistency and execution till the end and until the point is fully brought through.
I commit myself to exploring my past with regards to looking at past memories or events where I would have developed / secured this idea of myself as not being strong enough to actually stand and pull through, and I release such memories through applying self forgiveness to no more accept and allow the past to influence my Here so that I can gift myself the opportunity to actually realize myself as and to thus Walk Stand and Direct myself within and as absolute consistency and conviction within any point I decide to take on.
I commit myself to deleting my past as past memories as past experiences so that I do not chain myself to the past but instead can actually give myself a clean slate to correct myself.
I commit myself to exploring Consistency within the context of a “Daily” Application with regards to any point that I am implementing or wanting to establish as myself within myself and my life as I design myself and my world in a way that support the process of birthing life from the physical within and as equality and oneness and what is best for all. Where in applying myself daily within self honesty self direction I am actually supporting me to birth myself as life as the physical
I commit myself to utilizing the tool of consistent application within the context of applying self DAILY within any practical point in my world which requires direction.
I commit myself to walk/push/move through my resistance to doing points as I utilize consistent daily application as the basis for establishing myself within my daily walking as I understand that resistance will come up as I have not before ever embraced the point of daily consistency within directing /applying myself in all aspects points/parts of my world, and thus resistance will come up as I am not used to doing things daily and consistently as a method of establishing points as a part of my daily walking/living/application. I am more used to just hoping and wanting them to become a part of my world but not realizing the necessity of daily application as the necessary consistency to establish them.
I commit myself to exploring my realization towards the necessity of a Daily Application as the degree of Consistency required to actually produce results, and effectively establish points within and as self and selfs world.