Restoring Self Respect Seems Impossible – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 12

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing about relationships because of the judgements I have towards myself in relation to relationships and how I have fucked myself up within this point of who I am as myself as my own self relationship where in I basically see myself as a complete fuck-up with so far to go that to even think about relationships brings a point of despair in thinking how far away this point of me actually being in an effective agreement must be due to how much I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself and continue to fuck myself and have not found it within myself to actually walk in self respect and self dignity and self honesty so that I actually see myself as fit for an agreement or relationship with another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live/exist within self disgust towards myself for my own self agreement that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and to continue to live such a self agreement with myself believing and perceiving that I am not able to actually walk in self respect due to all the patterns of abuse that I have created and accepted and allowed myself to participate in as myself as I walk alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so trapped in who I have created and designed myself to be within the context of sex and relationship that I just rather crawl into a cave and not come out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute despair when looking at who I have become in relation to relationships and sex because I see that the corrections I require to walk to restore myself to actual self respect and self dignity will require such a long time that I go into despair because I see the point of relationship/agreement being so far away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t desire an agreement or relationship because I have not wanted to go into relationships or agreements with others and believe that this means that I am evil and do not then deserve to be with anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just want to sleep away all my relationship problems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel no up to the challenge to actually restore my own self dignity so that I actually see myself as worthy to walk an agreement/relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me to restore my own self dignity and respect will take such a long time and in this just give up and not care to do this and so just continue cycling in patterns of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must want to abuse myself otherwise why would I deny myself the opportunity to walk in self respect and self dignity to the point where I restore my relationship with myself to then be able to walk a relationship / agreement with another. A task that I absolutely shrink in the face of, seeing this restoring or my self dignity and respect as a hopeless endeavour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my past more powerful than me from the perspective of accepting and allowing it to have power over me where in I believe that I must just repeat the past over and over and that I am not able to “turn over a new leaf” and walk myself out of my past patterns of self abuse where I walk a path of self respect and self dignity which I perceive and believe to require a miracle to actually happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in absolute despair within myself when looking at/considering this point of agreement/relationship because I see this as such a far off point and in this experience despair because It has already been 2 years and I hate being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a relationship and agreement but have not been willing to walk an effective preparation as myself in restoring my self dignity and honour towards life so that I am willing to actually approach another in openness and self worthiness where in I am seeing me as being an effective agreement/relationship partner.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to dare walking an effective self relationship that I am happy with where I can then be proud of myself to present this as who I am to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use every excuse in the book as to why I do not walk a self agreement based on self respect and self dignity but just continue to fall back into past patterns of abuse.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepting and allowed myself to retrain myself to walk in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to retrain myself walk in self respect and self honour where I physically practice this walking consistently within my day to day routine/walking where I make this a physical living expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking a new path as new physical direction/expression of me because I fear losing that experience I have within participating in past patterns that do not support me to re-establish my self dignity and self respect.

I commit myself to working on my relationship with myself in writing and in my dip assignments and by writing self forgiveness and self correction so that I can bring myself to a point of actually stepping beyond this point that I have been existing at for so long where I am simply unwilling to re-establish myself as self respect.

I commit myself working with myself until I find this starting point of/within myself where I actually dare making new foot prints and leaving my old patterns behind.

I commit myself to challenging my own preconceptions of myself where I push myself to challenge that which I believe about myself and believe that I am not capable of and where I believe I will just fail as usual.

I commit myself to investigating within writing and self forgiveness and self corrections why I believe I will just fail “as normal”

I commit myself to walking in the face of all my doubt, to push myself to walk and work with writing and self forgiveness daily in the face of my doubt and everything within myself telling me that I will fail, that It is certain that I will fail, and in this to bring myself to a point where I am able to let go of this fighting and struggle and allow myself to walk in and as flow within the decision to support myself as life and letting go completely of past patterns of self abuse, instead of trying to do both.

I commit myself to brining myself point where I stop trying to hold onto past patterns of self abuse while at the same time walking patterns of self support and self correction, I see that it is one or the other and to thus stop torturing myself by attempting to do both which only just create allot of friction.

I commit myself to investigating why I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make a clear directive decision/choice to correct myself and walk a path of self respect and thus to then do that but that I have accepted and allowed myself fight with myself attempting to hold onto both sides which thus always end up with me falling as I refuse to let go of the past, and thus I commit myself to bringing myself to a point where I am able to let go of the past completely and in this walk a new pattern or patterns of self honesty and in this establish myself as an actual point of self respect.

I commit myself to investigating why I only ever take self respect and self dignity so far and then give up on it.

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3 thoughts on “Restoring Self Respect Seems Impossible – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 12

  1. Thank you for sharing this Andrew! A cool starting-point to simplistically continue walking until self-acceptance, self-respect, self-enjoyment is here as who self is in living-expression!

  2. Pingback: Self-Respect for The Physical Body: DAY 269 | Anna's Journey to Life

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