Attempting to Hide – Stowaway in relationSHIP – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 9

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless when driving home today as this possibility and potential of sex seems so far away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience sadness within myself because I do not have a sexual partner.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this sadness and hoplessness was  the experience of an energetic low as the polarity opposite of that which I attempted to generate as the energetic high within the point of expectation and hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for it taking me so long to find someone to have an agreement with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must go through a long and excruciating process before I am ready and at a point for an agreement to open up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an agreement will save me and make my world better.

I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating in this desire for an agreement I was/am accepting and allowing myself to attempt to find some point outside myself to save me from myself/my experience of myself instead of realizing that there is no escape from this and definitely someone else is not the key, but that I am the key and the answer I am seeking and so thus I direct myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to try and have something or someone else save me and instead assist and support myself to work on myself through applying/writing self forgiveness and self corrective applications to be lived to get myself to here and stop attempting to find a solution for me and the experience of me outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have to wait a long time for this agreement point to open up because of how much this point of desire for relationship and sex exist within me and come up within me. And again I forgive myself for not realizing that my life will not become better when I have an agreement partner that is simply a point of separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within.

I see that my frustration within waiting is linked to the idea that I have that this will somehow be a solution or make my life better which is separation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that I am the solution for me and to within realizing this, live this as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to let go of the desire for relationship and sex and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with such a desire.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to become my own solution for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the point of relationship and sex as more powerful than me and more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce myself to be less than this point of relationship and sex and refuse to stand up and take back my directive principle of myself within and as this point where I no more accept and allow myself to diminish and reduce myself to existing as less than my desire for relationship sex and thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed relationship and sex to be my god instead of standing equal to these points and no more accepting and allowing myself to be directed and contolled by them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I require is a women to go into an agreement with and have sex with and that this is somehow the answer and in this to limit myself to such a point where I will only accept and allow myself to go so far on my own within my own expression of myself but to leave the fulfilment and satisfaction of myself outside myself within the point of relationship and sex where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is what will make me happy and that without this I can only go so far and thus limit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the statement within myself “all I want to do is have sex” and  not consider where this statement comes from and how I have created it but to just accept such a statement as valid without investigating the entirety of this statement and all that I am accepting as myself to see/accept such a statement as valid.

I forgive myself for not seeing that in by accepting such a statement to exist within and as me is implying that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from self fulfilment and satisfaction and placed it outside of myself within the point of relationship and sex, believing that this will fulfil me instead of taking responsibility for myself within this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the longer it is before I have an agreement or have sex means that the more my cravings and desire for this point will grow and to accept that this is simply how it will work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the point of relationship and sex to the self fulfilment, and thus believe I require it to fulfil me and without it I am not able to live express and live self fulfilment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that true complete fulfilment cannot be lived as self alone and thus hold onto the point that I require a relationship and agreement for me to be satisfied and happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration when I stop participating within fuelling this desire by thinking thoughts about sex and relationship. Because now I think – I will never fulfil me and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fulfilment within the context of me thinking about sex or participating with thoughts about relationship within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become consumed with finding an agreement partner and to within this become frustrated that I don’t have one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having an agreement partner because then this will cut off the opportunity of me having sex with multiple partners. which is a point that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe will bring me fulfilment and completeness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost within the consideration of living self fulfilment and completeness as myself without actually going into an agreement or relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have sex with allot of the women/girls I see and in this not actually look at why this is and how this point of desire actually developed within me. Within looking at this point I see that this desire is a result of me believing that this will bring me fulfilment and is thus indicating that I have connected fulfilment to the point of sex and relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fulfilment to sex and relationship because this is what I have learned from my society in the movies and tv shows I see as well as media and advertising and pictures in magazines and in the sounds of the frequencies as tonalities in the music I listen to as well as in the content and message of the music that relationship and sex will bring fulfilment and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely buy into this and not even realize that this is just the idea that I have been sold by this world to believe that I require love and relationship and sex for fulfilment and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever explore this point for myself in how I am able to live and express myself as self fulfilment and satisfaction and completeness without having to be in a relationship and having sex as the epitome of this endeavour of fulfilment and satisfaction and thus happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing desire for sex to highjack me and have me believe that I actually want and desire it in the way that I think I do, not considering that to place this one singular point of sex and relationship as the key to fulfilment that I have limited and eliminated every other possible way of expressing and applying myself by making them invalid in relation to this one singular point and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself so extensively like this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge myself with sexual energy through thinking about sex or having sexual thoughts coming up in my mind and then to become possessed with this energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with sexual thoughts because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is what I require to fulfil me as I have bought the idea that society and this world has sold to me that I require relationship and sex to fulfil me as this is what is being impulsed through this world in every moment at every turn – Impulses that have been formed in the image and likeness of self interest and a limited human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take someone that I saw during my day and make them the “object of my desire” where I see/imagine them in my mind and place them as my “object of desire for sex”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to release all beings that I saw today from my mind as me holding them as an object of desire so that I can be here with and as myself. And support myself in my process of self forgiveness and self correction

I forgive myself for not realizing that if I am seeing someone or a picture of someone that is not actually here before me in my physical reality than I am participating with and exiting within my mind, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and participate with the mind through by holding images of different beings that I saw throughout my day where I hold them/see them within me as an object of desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form relationships with beings in my mind when this is not who they in fact are, but that this is my projection and imagination of them and thus not really them at all, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form/create false relationships with people which is not in fact relationships with people but rather relationships with and as my own mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to push and direct myself to stop all mind relationships I have with people, particularly within the context of sex and to instead form real relationships where I form an actual relationship with them by sticking to the physical and actual real interaction/communication instead of coming up with interpretations of them in my mind.

I Here commit myself to walk the path of self respect and self dignity where I stop and do not accept and allow myself to participate within imaginary relationships with beings that I saw throughout my day today but that when I see a picture of them within my mind I delete that picture.

Here I assist and support myself to stabilize myself within this moment and also within my world where I take back the directive principle of me and no more accept and allow myself to participate in thinking and imagining and fantasizing about beings that I see/saw within my world but rather assist and support myself to establish self respect and self dignity within a point of self honesty where I no more accept and allow myself to continue existing in such an application of accepting and allowing myself to hold beings that I see within my world in my mind as my object of desire but to release all such beings as pictures of them I see within my mind and remain thus instead remain here as breath in and as the physical directing myself within establishing myself as the practical manifestation of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to sexual energy where in I would accept and allow myself to hold beings in my minds eye as my object of desire from which I would derive / generate sexual energy instead of releasing myself as captive from this energy and to stop accepting and allowing myself to give this energy power and directive principle over me

I commit myself to supporting myself to release myself from this sexual energy addiction I would engage in, within and through the pattern of holding a picture of a being or beings which I see/saw within my world, in my mind as a point of sexual desire and object of lust where in I would generate sexual energy and fuel this addiction and behaviour pattern I supported as me instead of actually transforming myself to release myself from this pattern by assisting and support myself to Stop all participations with relationships and aspects that fuel this part of myself  and thus I commit myself to stopping this particular application as I see and realize that this particular aspect of holding pictures of a being or beings that I saw within my world in my mind as an object of my desire only supported this sexual energy addiction and thus I commit myself to actually willing myself to stop participating within this point.

In this I take back my directive principle of me as I walk from within the point of myself accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by this particular aspect of this point to no more accepting and allowing myself to participate within such a point and to within this establish me as the direct principle of myself within my world where I take responsibility for myself in all moments of my life/existence moment by moment, point by point where I take back my power in all aspects of my life and in this direct myself as all such moments to stand within the image and likeness of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience disappointment that I did not get to fulfil myself sexually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/experience myself as “let down” that I did not get to fulfil myself sexually.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I would experience a “let down” due to participating in a desire within my mind where in participating in this desire I fuel it and fuel it to only not have it be able to be practically lived and thus experience the let down of not getting to fulfil that desire that I created and generated within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with and build up mind desires within my own mind to then have myself experience a low when that desire is not able to be lived out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within highs and lows of fuelling a desire to generate a high and then going into the low when that desire does not manifest instead of simply living here as the living breath where I do not go into wanting or desiring and into highs and lows but simply living here in every moment and participate fully in the moment instead of extracting myself out of the moment so that I am not actually here participating but instead off somewhere in my mind fuelling a desire or wants or need instead of actually being here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself in every moment but to instead attempt to create an alternative reality within my mind as desires, wants, and needs which I then attempt to escape into and experience some kind of energetic high instead of remaining fully here and self present with and as myself to effectively direct myself within the point of taking self responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be a part of creating as this world of abuse and neglect and self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my “natural tendency” to be that of participating in energy as this is what I have programmed myself to do and how I live and so thus it is more “natural” for me to just automatically participate in mind energy within my day instead of remaining here in every moment as self stability where in I am the same in every moment and thus stable and consistent as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point of how energy is in fact hiding. Hiding from facing myself here within and as this reality as what I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the creation of. And instead of being self honest within the realization that I must face what I have created and correct it, I instead attempt to hide from facing and taking responsibility for what is here by participating in energy in the mind as desires wants and needs.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself/my reality and thus no more accept and allow myself to attempt to or try to hide in the energy of the mind as the energetic highs and thus lows that I create within and as my own mind as an alternate reality I create to be able to escape for a moment or if possible for ever from what is here. I stop this and I face myself here in and as this reality and thus stop accepting and allowing myself to try and escape taking responsibility for myself here, and thus I commit myself to taking responsibility for what I have created / this reality and walking Here breath by breath and directing what is here within the principle of what is best for all.

http://www.desteni.org/

http://www.eqafe.com/

http://www.equalmoney.org/

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