An Artists Journey To Life: Day 2 – Falling Before I Begin

Ok I am starting over with this point I was working on today. I was looking at this point of “Why I accept and allow myself to fall before I even begin” and I noticed that the Self Forgiveness I was applying within this point was done from the starting point of Self Blame and Self Judgement where I immediately took on a standpoint that “I must be doing something wrong” and thus was kind of holding myself under the knife so to speak where in I was looking at the point from the starting point of “where am I deliberately just fucking up or fucking around” where I was doing this from the starting point of blaming myself within a point of “I am bad” or “I am evil”.

After writing out some self forgiveness from this starting point, I ended up on this point of “Expectation of Failure” and so am going to pick up the point from here and continue on.

I was looking at this aspect of myself to so quickly sabotage the commitments I make to myself, particularly within this process of actually changing transforming myself into a being that stand as that which is best for all.

I have encountered this point before during my process/in my life where I just deliberately fuck up commitments I make to myself where I only ever take them so far and then give up and in looking at this, a point that I am seeing is that it is because I don’t actually believe I am capable of actually seeing the commitment through and so just sabotage the process to in a way “let myself off the hook”

I am also seeing that this is a point of fear I have, where I actually fear not being able to do it and fear failing.

An interesting aspect of this is where this occur almost immediately where one will make a commitment to oneself and then in the very next breath sabotage that very commitment. So this is the point I am looking at today and am going to continue now exploring this point.

So the first point I am going to start with here is the point of where self do not actually believe self is able to change and walk/see self through the point to actually “change for the better”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the process of changing myself as daunting and within this believe that “I can’t actually do it” and so when ever I approach a point where I will actually have to take on this point of change, I go into fear of failure and I sabotage the point to affirm to myself that I am not actually able to do it and that this fear I have is real and valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to innately believe that human nature cannot be changed and thus when ever I make a commitment to myself to actually change, I do this from the starting point of believing and expecting and fearing that I will not actually be able to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to get the best of me instead of keeping myself here and grounded in actual physical application and movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the expectation/fear that I will fail, just like I have done every other time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually change by letting go of holding onto this idea that I simply am not able to change where instead I focus on the physical and my actual physical application of self change so to proove to myself in a measurable way that I am changing and thus there no more being anything to validate my fear of not changing because I am proving to myself as my actual physical movement and application of me that I am changing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the back-chat “why would this time be any different” where within participating with such back-chat am indicating that I am still grasping onto this idea and belief that I can’t change, that I am just simply not able to change, instead of sticking to Here and applying myself in my actual physical process of self change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am just not yet ready to change and that I have hung onto this belief which I see is an aspect of why I end up just sabotaging commitments I make to myself to actually change, because I am still existing within this belief that “I am not ready yet” and thus “not in fact able to change”.

I forgive myself for not realizing that in by establishing actual self movement as actual daily self writing of self forgiveness and self corrections which I apply and change me that any fear I have related to this point about “not being able to change” will no longer have any “stability” within my world as I will be proving to myself that I am in fact changing through my daily physical self movement of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind and into fear of not being able to change, and of not being able to walk the actual process of self change where in I create myself as a living expression of support that support all life within the principle of what is best for all in and as all aspects of myself as the totality of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect failure and so thus look for it, where I believe that this is the real starting point of myself and that I am just deluding myself and deceiving myself in actually believing myself to be capable to change myself into actual life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become completely caught up in my mind in participating with this fear instead of    sticking to the physical in and as living my daily process of self change, where in I support myself to walk out of fear of the mind and into the Here of the Physical where I ground myself and develop self trust within my daily walking of self writing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the realization that to exist as actual life will require me to actually support life in all ways as every aspect of me, as the entire expression of myself. Where I live this realization through by applying myself daily within applying self forgiveness and self corrections.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to Ground Myself as the Application of Me in actual real practical physical movement and application of myself in self writing and actually living as myself this self corrective process within transforming myself into and as that which is best for all in every moment so that I do not end up just getting carried away in fear and doubt and anxiety because this would be impossible if I am in fact practically living my self corrective process daily and consistently because I would know for myself who I am Living as, as my Trust is grounded in actual real physical daily application that simply cannot be disputed but is a measurable application of myself that I am able to see for myself and thus trust, as it is here as myself as my daily expression of myself as walking this process of self change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is much easier to drift off into fear and into the mind if I am not in fact applying and moving myself here in the physical in every moment as this process of self forgiveness and self correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist committing myself to the Actual process of self change because when I look at applying myself in every moment, this seems so difficult because even a single day is sooooo long and has so many moments, and when looking at this I shrink and pull back and think – “there is no way I can do this” and here I forgive myself for not realizing that even this “resistance to commitment” is fear and so I can let go of this and continue standing within my commitment of applying myself daily within writing and applying self forgiveness and self corrections on patterns that come up during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project how walking the daily commitment/process of physically applying myself in writing self forgiveness and self corrective statements to live and actually transforming myself will actually be like when have never actually walked / lived this for myself

I realize that an important aspect of my process/this process of self change within the principle of equality and oneness and what is best for all is to actually Ground it in actual physical application. Within this I will be proving to myself that I am in fact Walking my commitment and able to walk my commitment through consistent daily application.

I see that an effective way to support myself to walk through my fear about my ability to actually walk this process of self change is to simply stick to my commitment of daily writing of self forgiveness and self correction where each day I take a point for that day and I apply self forgiveness on it and write corrective statements for me to live and correct the point so that it stand within a point of equality and oneness and within the principle of what is best for all. And in doing this I assist and support myself to re-shape and re-form myself into that which stand in all ways as myself as that which is best for all. And in doing this I can support myself to walk through my fear and ground my process in actual physical application and within this walk from fear to self trust within my.a measurable application which I walk daily.

Thus I commit to effectively assisting and supporting myself to walk through my fears and doubts and uncertainty and walking/developing for myself Self Trust, by continuing with my practical process of writing /applying daily Self Forgiveness and Self Corrections.

I see that this process of daily writing/applying self forgiveness and self corrections is not something extraordinary or fancy , it is quite simplistic and a simplistic way of effectively assisting and supporting myself, and so thus for me to within this realization remain patient and consistent within this application and accumulate self trust day by day, taking it one day and one at a time.

I thus breath here and release the fear and anxiety and expectations I have built up of “how things are going to turn out with this process” and “if I can do it or not” I stop this “projecting into the future” and just take it day by day and stick to my commitment of simply writing self forgiveness and self corrections on a point for that day. It is simplistic and so I breathe and allow myself to walk in self patients and take it one day at a time.

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