Taking My Anger out on Myself to Get back at Others – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 265

I am continuing here with looking at/exploring the reaction dimension of my Self Victimization Character. In my last blog I did some more writing in where I was simply opening up the point some more and supporting me to develop a more precise understanding of what exactly is going on within me when I am participating with the point of self victimization specifically looking at the point of reactions/feelings/emotions/energies within me and in doing this found other points which I will also include here in my laying out of this character.

Emotions/reactions within the point of Self Victimization

Frustration
Anger
Anxiousness
Depression
Lethargic
Hopelessness
Sadness
Weak
Spitefulness
Resentment
Self Hatred
Bitterness
Dead
Numb
Helplessness
Powerless
Spite
Despair
Self pity
Heaviness
Lowness

I looked at the point of frustration in my last blog so here will continue on with the list and apply self forgiveness and self corrections on the point of “anger”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lock myself into my self victimization character through by participating with anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and fight fire with fire where when I experience anger where I actually become more angry instead of stopping and utilizing breathing as a tool to stabilize myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize anger within the point of self victimization from the perspective of disempowering myself where I know that existing in and participating in anger does not support me but in terms of Self Victimization I will simply allow my anger to grow instead of assisting and supporting myself to direct the point of anger through stabilizing myself within and as breath and also utilizing writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to explore my reaction of anger in terms of how and why it comes up and I allow myself to participate with it instead of stopping and stabilizing myself.

I see that my experience of anger within the context of self victimization is very similar to the point of frustration where it is the same from the perspective of where within self victimization I will instead of stopping my reactions go further into them as a kind of “I don’t care” statement, only making things worse.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself experiencing anger within myself in relation to the point of self victimization that in part this is because I see what I am doing. I see that I am not stopping myself but only making my reactions/experience worse. I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop my reaction of anger/frustration within and as the point/character of self victimization so that I can instead of perpetuating my emotional experiences actually develop a pattern of self support of stopping and stabilizing myself here through/within and as breath and within and as my human physical body, and so step by step assist and support myself to become a more stable human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must get angry, that I must experience anger how I “normally” do where I will build it up within me within a kind of self punishment and kind of self inflicted punishment as a form of Self Pity. I see that this is exactly what I used to do when I was younger.

I remember when I was younger my father ha gotten angry with me about breaking the vacuum. I claimed I did not break it but he was insisting that it was me. I experienced powerlessness because I did not remember breaking it or if it was really me that broke it but it was like his mind was made up and I was being punished for and yelled at for something that I didn’t actually do. This made me feel angry and feeling attacked for something I did not do. I remember I ended up in the bathroom and I was crying and I was angry. I remember being in there and ‘stewing’ in my anger. I see that at this point it wasn’t really anymore about my father or the whole story but more about me just being angry. It was like I really wanted to get back at my father, like take my anger out on him and also like blaming my anger on my father making the statement that he was the reason I was angry. I remember in my “stewing in my own anger” I kicked the wall. I did this knowing this is really exactly what I was being accused of doing in the first place which is breaking something, but yet here I was doing an action that would obviously only have one outcome and that is like “getting myself in deeper” So its not like kicking the wall and lashing out in this way was really a solution, it was simply “making things worse” and this is obvious.

So with my anger today I can relate it back to this moment in terms of the kind of pattern I was developing within my life of how I directed my anger where I would “make things worse” but doing this deliberately because making things worse is obviously not a solution and in a way I understood this. But I still did it, I would “lash out” and I see how this “making things worse” also happened when I was alone where I would be upset in my room and while being alone with myself would actually go into my anger and charge it up and “make it worse” So I can see how this pattern I now see myself do in terms of where I will trying and “fight fire with fire” which is really more a deliberate “making things worse” is a way that I have throughout my life “handled my anger” or rather accepted and allowed myself to do as a way to cope with my experience, or arguments and disagreements that I would have with another person. This is another point I can investigate. I can investigate what triggers anger within me and within this to see if it is always another person because I does not make sense that I would just be angry with myself for no reason so here will investigate to see what triggers anger within me and then the point would be to see what I do with it from there.

I will continue with this point in my next blog

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Life Review – My Life of Anger

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One Response to Taking My Anger out on Myself to Get back at Others – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 265

  1. Pingback: Please Do For Me What I Will Not – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 265 | An Artists Journey To Life

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