The Isolation Character.
Isolating myself has been one of the primary ways that I “deal with my world”. I only identified this point later in life where if I look at my past I can see this tendency I had to spend allot of time alone, but I did not recognize that this was in part because I was more comfortable alone which means, I was often uncomfortable around people, and so I just preferred to be alone. Thus my preference for “being alone” had a ‘reactive’ element to it, where I was in a way reacting/in reaction towards others so ‘preferred’ to be alone. Of course I had friends at school and things like that, but I do see this aspect of my life where my bedroom became like my sanctuary where I would really enjoy just being in my bedroom, often drawing or playing video games. There was a feeling of safety I experienced and I find I still have this experience where “if I can just get home and in my room” where as soon as I close the door, its like a sigh of relief comes over me, and I am safe now, safe from the world, safe from having to ‘fight’ my reality which is an experience I do see I have within myself in relation to my reality.
In recent years I have found this isolation point to be a problem because instead of dealing with the responsibilities of my life I just want to withdraw, extracting myself from my reality so that nothing or no one can bother or interrupt me and I will be alone and for a moment at peace.
So what tends to play-out is that I will walk in my reality for a period of time, and direct my responsibilities but then I will reach a point where its like this isolation character triggers and steps forth and I just start to shut down and not want to face anything or do anything or speak to anyone. I will withdraw into my room, into my sanctuary and literally cut myself from the world. This to me is a ‘natural reaction’ is something that I have programed into myself so extensively that it is now ‘natural’ – automatic.
What is interesting within this as I write about this point of wanting to be alone and just ‘cutting ties’ with ‘the outside world’ is that in fact, even in my isolation, I am still so dependant on so many beings, and that my ability to isolate myself is actually only possible if for instance I have money, which is often facilitated by other individuals standing within points of responsibility which then in turn allow me to generate at least some money to stay afloat.
So I mean to say “I just want to be alone” is not actually accurate, because its more like “I just want to be alone….but….still want all the necessary relationships with points/individuals that facilitate my survival to stay in tact.”
Ok so I am going to have a look at the various dimensions of this Character because I still notice quite often this “isolation character” stepping forth in my reality where my total functionality within my reality in terms of managing and creating the necessary relationships to have my reality work becomes aligned with ‘the very minimum’ , like an animal that hibernate in the winter and shut down the necessary parts of its body so to be able to remain alive as it hibernate through the winter utilizing just the minimum amount of relationships required to sustain an absolute minimum existence, and so such is this “isolation character” point for me, where I will literally end up just doing the absolute minimum in terms of relationship management where the functionality of my life could be classified as “on life support” the just the very basic functions happening so that my reality doesn’t fall apart, so as long as I can live/exist in my isolated sanctuary of my bedroom which is like the physical externalization of the mind in way, existing in only a small compartment within myself/my reality.
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