What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608

face

A point started to come through recently in regards to the relationship that I have with myself. This concept of having a relationship with oneself for me has been a bit abstract at times since I was first introduced to this idea though recently I have started noticing/seeing an aspect of this that I had not as clearly seen before. So now it is to test this point out for myself to see if what I am seeing will actually produce a kind of change within myself, within my relationship to myself and my world within and through actually applying and exploring this point within my living.

The other day I was chatting with a friend and we were speaking about art and artists and the point of how for an artist it’s like they form a relationship with their art that is more important or valuable than the relationship that they actually have with themselves. And this is what I saw for myself and that this does not have to only be in relation to art but what I see is that this kind of relationship where “the thing one is doing” is the point that takes priority can be with all types of things one do in ones life where in this Self essentially becomes lost in relation to what one is doing. Self is forgotten about, ignored, missed, where all ones attention, for example with me in relation to my art – all my attention goes onto the art. Its about the art. And within this, I, myself go unnoticed where I don’t normally look at how I am experiencing myself or expressing Myself physically as I am making my art. I am more focused on the art piece and the results that are taking place there and then forming value according to how the art piece is turning out, not once giving any real value to myself within this. So here I see the necessity for a realignment of my priority here so to place Me as the primary focal point within my expression so to speak.

I want to place an excerpt from a blog I read last night which really supported me to start seeing what it means to have a relationship with oneself.

” Even other simple things can be a Self-Enjoyment, tending to one’s Physical Body – showering/bathing, really developing an equal and one relationship with the body as one wash oneself and really physically be here/present as one touch/caress/move with one’s Physical; when one go for walks/runs – to practise BREATHING, being HERE with the physical body as a self-enjoyment – in this, one transform one’s process of Self-Enjoyment into Physical Body equality and oneness, in being/becoming equal to and one with the Physical instead of participating in Mind Possessions when/as one should in fact be HERE with and as the Physical. – See more at: http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/11/self-enjoy-ment-part-2-day-221.html#sthash.ndk4tpV0.dpuf

 

Ok, so now what I was seeing when I read this is how with my art my total focus and attention gets placed outside of myself onto the art I am making and no attention or awareness is really placed here on myself where I am aware of myself as my human physical body in how I am expressing and moving myself in each moment, and so thus as I am making my art, I have no real relationship to Myself at all where in this I am really in fact neglecting myself. And so I end up living my life focusing my attention and awareness ‘out there’ onto what ever it is I might be doing in a moment and missing the one constant point that is Here within all of this – which is Me, Myself as my Human Physical Body. All this time, and I had never once considered making me the primary relationship as the point of focus and awareness within my living. The art I was making become more important than me, the food I eat became more important me, the people I was speaking to were more important than me, the TV I was watching was more important than more – all this time with my attention, focus and awareness ‘out there’

So the point that came through for me is to rather re-align my attention and my awareness onto myself Here as my Human Physical Body and thus re-align my self to have a more Direct Relationship with Myself in each moment.

How am I expressing myself when/as I am moving and directing my physical body as I am making art? How am I breathing? Am I comfortable in my body? Am I uncomfortable? How do I live and express enjoyment in and as my human physical body as I am making art, as I am driving my car, as I am cooking. How would I like to explore expressing me in this moment?

So here I want to test out this point of making Me as my human physical body the point of awareness and attention as I am move throughout my day no matter what it is, or what task I am doing, and so to within this assist and support myself to explore this point of establishing a DIRECT Relationship with Myself Here in each moment.

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Where Did This Feeling Come From? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 607

 

Fog

Today I was driving over to drop a few things off at where I work and I noticed that I kept wanting to go into a specific experience of myself.

And so a question came up.

‘Is this experience that I am now having, existing because this is how I have conditioned and automated myself to respond to this particular situation?’ ‘Did I decide to have this experience?’ ‘Did I consciously say, ‘ok lets have this experience now?’ I see that this is not the case – what is the case is that often I will just ‘find’ myself in an experience. That is how it normally happens.

So what I was looking at within myself is how much of my experience is in fact automatic where for instance certain specific experiences will activate within me when I am for instance, driving. Or when I send e-mails. Or when I am dealing with money. Or when I am drinking a coffee.

So I am going to investigate this point for myself and observe my experience and see how much of my experience is being automated.

So that’s really it.

Just a point I was noticing today because as I was driving I was considering that there was really no reason for me to be experiencing myself the way I was in relation to what I was doing. It was like the math did not add up. I was heading over to work, yet my experience within me was quite negative, only, it made no sense for it to be that way and so then what I see is that if I don’t question the experience and just go with it, I am ultimately allowing it and then I become that experience in relation to what I am doing even if that experience is uncomfortable or is not supportive.

So I mean I can look at myself and see that Its like I only have a certain amount of experiences that I exist within during my life. There are some primary ones that are pretty much the standard with a few variations here and there and so it’s like I, Andrew Gable have become this group of experiences that I cycle within instead of me actually deciding if these experiences are valid or not.

A few days ago, I was like “Ok, I’ve gotta change things up” like changing my routine. And so I started doing this but what is interesting about the experience I had today in the car is that this experience was more aligned to the actions, behaviors, thoughts, worries, fears, that was linked to my previous living patterns that I was living out before I was looking at this point of “Ok I’ve gotta change things up” So if I have changed things up, then why is the experience the same, and so this is where I started to question the automation of my experiences, and also seeing the necessity to also deliberately support myself to not only change myself in my living behavior but to also support myself to ‘change my experience’ of myself, meaning where I don’t just simply allow myself to become submersed within an experience just because it comes up and just because that is what I am normally used to. And so here I can also consider in my application of supporting myself to “change things up” to pay attention to my experiences and make sure that I am not simply accepting pre-programmed experiences to come over me and influence me throughout my day.

So in the car today, I applied some Self Forgiveness out loud and pushed myself to stop my ‘negative experience’ that seemed to just come up out of nowhere ever so sneakily, like a thief in the night. So I will continue with investigating this point and supporting myself to assist and support myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to participate with pre-programmed experiences where these just seem to come up and then I just for some reason accept them as valid without questioning them.

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Abandoning Decisions I Was So Sure I’d Stick To – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 606

Cycles of Collapse, 9.5x11inch graphite on paper, Andrew Gable

Again at work today I saw a point of comparison coming up in relation to my peers. I have looked at this point before and essentially it is the same or similar point coming up now again within me in relation to my peers at work.

I noticed that what I do is I start to compare what I am doing in relation to what my peers are doing where in doing this I see that there is a point of anxiety/fear within me within this point of comparison.

I work in an environment where I am creating artwork to sell in a gallery setting. This point is very self directed though also at the same time there is a particular framework that all the employees work within so that in the end the kind of work/art everyone is doing is quite similar.

But each individual is left to their own devises to decide what they think would be the most effective way to produce work to sell in the gallery.

So what I have noticed within this is that I will often get distracted by what my co-workers are doing. There are situations though where I am genuinely curious as to what they’re doing and these instances I see that I am Not in fact ‘distracted’ per se but the point of distraction more comes up in relation to this point of comparison where within me there is a kind of fear and anxiety existent, not simply just a curiosity or interest in what they are doing. The problem is when there is an anxiety and fear coming up.

Today I noticed this point coming up again where I was very interested in what the other workers were doing wherein this I started to lose sight of what I was doing. So it become a kind of preoccupation and thus distraction.

This can be dangerous because one thing that I have noticed is that my life is very different from those around me. There is like completely different parameters with regards to each individuals practical daily lives, finances, bills,  personal histories, direction in terms of where they are planning to be in the future ect… and that all this really play a role in the decisions each individual makes in terms of what kind of art/products they decide to create for themselves for the gallery. So for me to go into comparison the way I do and think “I should be doing what they are doing” or “they should be doing what I am doing” is inaccurate.

What I find is that I will lose trust in my own approach quite quickly where I will abandon my style and approach in what seems like the ‘drop of a hat’ and then not only start to question what I am doing/working on, but also will start to change how I am applying myself within the thought that “I should be doing more what they are doing”

So this really comes down to a point of trust.

And so one of the primary points I see existent in this play-out is the experience of Anxiety. I see that the Anxiety Energy is one of the more prominent points that I see influence me within this point because I see that the experience I have within myself of this anxiety is actually quite overwhelming and in a way driving this internal questioning back-chat I have in my mind about the situation.

So what comes up as this Anxiety is like a form of negative excitement if you will. So the frequency of the energy I experience as this Anxiety is quite a high vibrating frequency I experience in my solar plexus.

In this experience I will start to question what I am doing and start going into fear and doubting what I am doing and thinking ‘I should be doing things differently’ and/or that ‘what I am doing is wrong and is not going to work’ and/or that ‘I am making a mistake’ and so just end up creating an overall experience of anxiety and fear and that can also trigger/lead to a depression and/or giving up experience/state as well.

I see that I haven’t really established a Stability in my approach and really ironed out my “Why’s” in terms of why it is exactly I am approaching my art creation the way I am.

I have gone over this with myself on a number of occasions though I still am seeing here that I am quite speedy still to throw this entire practical considerations out the window I have made around this point and why it is exactly that I am taking the approach I am- tossing this out the window as soon as I see someone else trying something new or doing something different than me.

And so I get caught in a ‘wave’ if you will. A wave of emotion. A wave of anxiety. A sweeping trend, where I get caught up in this sweeping trend and will bend and change according to the trend instead of actually remaining stable within my approach that I have decided would be the most practical and most effective for me to take based on considering the context of my life and thus directing me accordingly.

So here I see there is a dimension of me still trusting that which comes up in my mind more than the actual  practical considerations I made into/about my life in terms of why it is that I am applying myself the way I am and approaching making the kind of art I am in the way that I am. I mean, its not actually random at all – though I see I am still allowing the point of ‘trusting my mind’ to influence me within this point quite a bit still

I am not apposed to changing direction – Though what I see here also is that there is still allot of anxiety and fear coming up inside me and that often this anxiety and fear is becoming the catalyst for change instead of me making and decision in self stability and clarity to change, adapt, try a different approach and then having this be a Self Directed Movement of me – Not something that is being triggered by fear or anxiety, or back-chat, which I see is still the case.

Ok so here a point for me to correct, and stabilize within myself/ my life atm.

 

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New People Feel so Alien to Me – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 605

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I just got home from a weekend at home visiting family. One of the main points I noticed while being back was my unwillingness to actually initiate conversations with the people that I was visiting with. I found that instead I was rather not wanting to communicate or interact and was more interested in finding ways to end the conversations I would be having rather than finding things to communicate about.

I have always had this kind of anti-social personality/character and eventually friends and family have come to expect that from me.

I find it interesting that people actually put up with it and still do their best to interact with me. I am grateful for that. A point that came up during this visit is the point of ‘missed opportunities’ and how I was experiencing myself missing out on these opportunities to get to know other people, and that those opportunities won’t always be there.

I identified this anti-social character some years ago and made some efforts to transform this point so that I was actually more willing, stable and comfortable interacting with others and in some ways I did do that, though over the past few years I have noticed that I have more and more been regressing back to how I used to be in accepting and allowing myself to be this anti-social character.

One thing that I have noticed is that I am quite uncomfortable around ‘strangers’ and I go into the ‘get me out of here’ mode.

There are a few people in my world that I am comfortable with and I am most comfortable alone. When I am alone I find I am actually able to relax and just be comfortable where when I am with other people I find I am just tense which becomes a somewhat uncomfortable experience. I find I am most comfortable also with my immediate family. When I am with them, I still experience it as if I am just here with myself, but anyone outside this and I become much more tense and uncomfortable.

I realize that this is just a character/personality I have constructed throughout my life which I am accepting and allowing for it to assert itself within my life now and I haven’t really taken on this point of working with this point effectively to step out of this character.

During this last visit home, I saw a good example of how in allowing myself to exist within this anti-social character that I am really not allowing myself to Live in moments where I allow myself to engage in those moments to simply converse and get to know other beings.

You know whats strange – that when I see new people, I see them as so distant from me. Like so ‘inaccessible’. Like they are aliens/so alien to me. Lol. That’s funny because I actually do see the point that this is not really the case from the perspective that really – people are just people. But what I find is that a new person is like…………anxietyyyyyyyyyyy……….because its like this entire other existence in front of me that seems so foreign and strange and so alien and its like OMG where do I start and so I feel obliged to just ignore them. This perception I hold of other people I suspect comes from my history of never actually much approaching people ‘cold turkey’ and just saying Hello and start engaging in a conversation. I don’t mean some random person on the street but like someone at a party or some social gathering. Its like I never considered “its ok to be open and communicative with people” .

Ok so here is a bit of exploring this ‘anti-social character’

 

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Ok so here is a bit of exploring this ‘anti-social character’

 

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Education Disparity Between the Rich and Poor – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 604

One point that I have been investigating more closely in recent weeks is the relationship between Self Development and Words/Vocabulary.

In this I have been looking at ‘who I am’ in relation to this point and investigating what is the relationship between ‘who I am’ and the words I know and the definitions of those words.

I mean, It is said in the beginning of the bible that “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”

If I look around my room, everything I see has a word associated with it.

Its like just me sitting here in my room its like there are thousands of words all around me

Pillow
Bed
Desk
Chair
Window
Carpet
Paper
And then we go and even give things that are not physical words also
Happy
Sad
Worried
Satisfied
Ect…

I remember I never really became interested in reading until high school and college.
In my younger years, I don’t remember really having an interest for it.

I also remember reading, spelling, and language was not my strong point and I have had to now later in my life really make a point of working on my reading, writing, and communication.

In some of the most recent studies I have been reading on the relationship of vocabulary and early childhood development, that it is suggested that by the time a child reaches the age where they are ready to enter school, that “its already too late” meaning that the damage could already be done in terms of a childs ability to now develop effectively in their life.

Interesting that this is only coming out Now?

I mean, how long have we been on this planet?
How many generations of children have we raised?

Yet we still are at a point where we really don’t understand how we ourselves function.

Another interesting aspect of the studies I have been reading about is the point of low income vs high income families where they are finding children in higher income families are at an early age learning more words and thus developing at a more rapid pace where those in low income families are actually falling behind and this is being detected already at the age of 18 months.

Here is a link to one of the studies I found on this - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLoEUEDqagQ&feature=share

This has to do with obviously the education level of the parent also where children that hear more words due to having more highly educated parents are thus then developing more effectively.

From a certain perspective the Solution is actually quite simple in terms of one of the key components of childhood development being identified as words, so thus then parents can take a more active role in engaging their children in this crucial learning building block of a who a child will eventually become based on their level of vocabulary.

But on the other hand we have quite a problem because of the income disparity that is currently existing in our world where you have a small percentage of the population earning all the income with the majority struggling to get by.

And so we have created a kind of vicious cycle where then those children born into high income families will automatically have a greater opportunity to have a successful life where those born into lower income families are at a disadvantage and so the rich get richer and poor get poorer where at the moment there is absolutely no such thing as equal opportunity.

So what can be done about such an epidemic.

I would suggest to investigate the Living Income Guarantee Proposal. LIG is a proposed amendment of our current system to include a Guaranteed Income For All to end poverty and to provide a dignified Life for all which thus also would include/facilitate proper education because what evidence is suggesting is that millions and millions of individuals are not being properly educated which is having a detrimental impact on their quality of life and that based on the research that I have been investigating of late, one of the primary contributing factors in this is income level with those with lower income levels ending up with more severe learning deficiencies that limit their ability to actually become strong, effective, contributing members of society.

Now based on the ratio of low income to high income families, Id say we have quite a problem on our hands and thus which is why I highly recommend a Solution like the Living Income Guaranteed because this particular Solution is in fact addressing the enormity of the situation we have created for ourselves where if you look at other proposed ‘solutions’ like various other social programs like food stamps or welfare and things like that –they are merely acting as bandages on a fatal wound that requires a much more Global Consideration in terms of implementing a Solution that will actually correct the problem once and for all.

 

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Understanding The Fine Print – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 603

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In my last blog I was explaining the suggested process that was introduced in the most recent “Soul of Money” Interviews on Eqafe about the point of how to develop ones ‘Business Resolve’.

Now in the interviews it was suggested to investigate for oneself the points of

Business

Money

People

And in doing this to assist and support oneself to align ones relationship with these particular points in a way that stand equal and one with what is necessary to be able to run an effective business, thus here in realigning such relationships one will/would in effect be walking the process of developing and establishing ones ‘Business Resolve’.

In my last blog I briefly talked about my relationship with ‘People’ and how this relationship that I have towards the point of people is in fact somewhat dysfunctional where it is not standing/existing in such a way which would assist and support me within the necessary dimensions of running a business when it comes the aspect of ‘people’ within the context of how this related to running a business.

Today I realized another point of dysfunction within myself in relation to another one of the points that was mentioned in the interview.

The point is Business.

Now what I see is that each of these points; Business, Money, People, I have ultimately disempowered myself in relation to, throughout how I have accepted and allowed myself to live and program myself throughout my life and each points I am certain contain various dimensions that require to be addressed, walked through specifically in detail and corrected. Here, however I am more just sharing some of the more obvious points that have come up within me within simply looking at these points over the past few days.

Initially I wasn’t completely clear on the point of ‘business’ and I did not see anything prominently revealing itself as my main dysfunction so to speak, as the primary points I required  to work with and correct. Though today I realized just this.

So how am I not standing in and Equal and One relationship to the point of Business in such a way where I am able to simply walk the necessary points related to business in a way that facilitate me living an effective, stable business resolve?

I don’t like to read the fine print!

And this I see would actually be of great benefit in relation to becoming effective within oneself in relation to the point of business. To me “reading the fine print” is in a way quite symbolic of “The System”

Throughout my life growing up, this point of ‘reading the fine print’ or simply having the awareness to process information effectively, particularly when this pertains to “The System” was never part of my upbringing. Of course this was ‘important’ but it was never impressed upon me in a way where I understood the seriousness of what was at stake so to speak, and this in part had an affect on my life in this world, on my life in this system.

I ended up taking the ‘Artist Route’ within my life and I never liked ‘dealing with the system’ this was a limitation I accepted about myself and because “I never liked dealing with the system” I ended up becoming fucked by it.

I ended up with bad credit, lots of debt, behind in my taxes, no health care, working jobs where I lived paycheck to paycheck , overall, not really understanding how to actually navigate our current system effectively. Interestingly, I ended up this way, because I insisted “I did not like reading the fine print” or simply reading and understanding the information pertaining the proper functionality of an individual within this system. I mean my life could have actually been much different all the way up to how much money I earn monthly if I would have grasped the importance on understanding the fine print of this world. And so this is where I see my biggest accepted and allowed dysfunction that requires to be corrected in relation to the point of Business – because explicitly, business functions and operates in alignment with the rules, regulations and fine print of the system and so I see, realize, and understand that this is a point I must correct so to be able to stand within an equal and one relationship with the point of business so to be able to do what is necessary to make that particular point work and exist effectively. So I realize I must become affluent in the fine print, in reading, and comprehending the rules and regulations of the system so to be able to align the necessary points to position oneself and thus if necessary ones business in such a way that is most fortunate and advantageous.

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Correcting My Relationship to People – An Artists Journey To Life : Day 602

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Today I listened to the latest “Soul of Money” Interview on Eqafe. The main point being discussed was business ‘Resolve’, looking at the dimensions within why some people have more resolve while others have less.

Within the detailing of the ‘Solution’ placed to support individuals to develop their business resolve one suggestion was to have a look at the 3 priority components of building a business as outlined in the interview as 1. Business, 2. Money, 3. People. I would definitely recommend having a listen to this latest series of interviews on ‘building a business’ on eqafe as it goes into depth and specificity in relation to this specific relationship of 1.Business, 2.Money, 3.People.

In the interview it was mentioned as part of the process of developing ones ‘business Resolve,’ to ‘come to terms’ with  these 3 components  so that one does not have any hang-ups in relation to any of these points so that one can direct oneself in an equal and one relationship within them and in this simply do what is needed to be done without having reactions coming up due to how one had established ones relationship to any of these points (business/money/people).

So in looking at each of these 3 points, I can see I am definitely not standing within an equal and one relationship with these points from the perspective of being able to direct myself effectively in the necessary ways that is needed to run/contribute in a business. And I mean this is a problem that I have faced previously also.

The point that stood out to me in terms of where I see the most obvious dysfunctions is in relation to the point of ‘People’. I have found throughout my life that my ‘natural’ tendency was to avoid people and this ‘approach’ is actually detrimental to functioning effectively within a business because I am unwilling to navigate the human-to-human relationship side of establishing/running/participating within a business due to how I have accepted and allowed myself to create/program myself throughout my life in relation to the point of ‘people’, where my ‘preferences’ I have programmed into me is not in fact supportive, and in no way facilitate the point of functioning effectively within a business.

So I require to address this point as well as ‘come to terms’ with the other 2 components mentioned (business, money). Doing this to clear myself so that I can stand in an Equal and One relationship within these 3 primary components of the business dynamic so that I am able to become effective in this point. So to do this I will be walking a process of Writing, Self Forgiveness, and Self Corrective Application to realign myself within and as this/these point(s).

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